There's a great documentary on tv tonight about perfume.

It's on Chanel No 5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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NBC is going to premier a new tv show tonight about a clairvoyant dwarf cat burglar.

It's called "Small Medium at Large"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8string
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
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Watching TV with my Dad tonight

TV: "Up next! A full hour of FOX comedies!" Dad: "A full hour? I had no idea they were such a funny species!" Stepmom: =|

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreativeForest
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
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GF's been feeling friskier now that her period's ending...

My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending.

Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her "Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed!"

I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that.

πŸ‘︎ 367
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rasalom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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Whot!

This one requires a little backstory:

There's a cardgame called WHOT! It's just uno but with different shapes. Me and my dad used to play it a lot.

Unfortunately it's led to the same terrible joke being made repeatedly over the last 10 years or so. It goes something like this:

Dad: "You'll never guess what film's on tv tonight."

Me: "What?"

Dad: "No, I don't think they made a movie out of that. It's a card game."

It's literally been going on for over a decade now and it pains me deep inside my soul every time he says it.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigontheinside
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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My dad is really proud of this one

Dad : Tonight, everybody in front of the TV !

Us : Why ?

Dad : Because behind you can't see anything

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thoumas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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TV controller

The wife and I were watching TV tonight and i reached to grab the remote. A few seconds later I got up and started running around the room. She asked me 'what's wrong' to which I replied 'I've lost control, I've lost control!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tongchips
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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I was dad-joked during the football game tonight

I was watching the Seattle Seahawks play against the Green Bay Packers tonight, and Derrick Coleman was shown on TV. I turned to my dad, "That's the deaf football player, right?"

Him "Huh?"

Me "That football player is deaf, right?"

Him " What?" As he held his hand up to his ear.

God damn it dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redhot128
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Dry Hands

My girlfriend and I were watching tv tonight. She held my hand and said "Your hands are dry", to which I replied, "that's because they're not wet."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuppysBalls666
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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Winter Olympics

Watching the Olympics tonight and I had a perfect opportunity.

TV shows the outside of the figure skating arena.

Wife: that building is soo cool.

Me: that is how they keep the ice in skating condition after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatMitchJ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2014
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