At least the both have something "in" common.
She wasn't impressed when i replied, "I don't have an inkling"
...independent!"
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
A hokey pokey mon
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Scene; Nighttime a few days back - just before bedtime - allowing my 2yr old son outside to say goodnight to the moon. Because of the time of year it was big, yellow and close to the horizon.
Son: Daddy, the moon is hungry. Me: Nah, it's Full.
Dad: woah! What happened to you? Why do you have 2 black eyes?
Me: There was a lady in front of me who’s dress kept giving her a wedgie every time she stood up. So I reached over and said pulled it out. She immediately turned around and punched me in the right eye.
Dad: So… how did you get the other black eye.
Me: Well…. The lady stood up again, and the guy next to me pulled her wedgie out… I knew she didn’t like it… so I shoved it back in.
it keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart!
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
I had recently just bought an iKettle, I could turn it on by asking Alexa to turn the kettle on, my dad came around with his wife and I went to show it off:
Me - "Dad, watch this, Alexa, put the kettle on" Alexa - Beep 'kettle boiling noises in the kitchen' Dad - without batting an eyelid "I've got one of them too" looks directly at his wife and says, "Put the kettle on".
The hostess asks them how many they need seating for. The mummy tries to answer, but no one can understand it. Frankenstein's monster just says "FOOOOD." The werewolf turns around to the group and starts numbering them off, and realizes Dracula is missing.
The hostess asks again, "How many in the party?"
The werewolf turns back to get and answers, "I'm not sure. I lost Count."
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
It was hopeless - it kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it would fall apart
It took him a couple years, but he eventually turned himself around.
I just wanted to give myself props/receive props because the other day at work (parks & rec) this guy brought an alligator to show the kids. He walked over to me, I pet it & as he turned around, I said “See ya later Alligator” didn’t realize I was waiting my whole life for that moment. Then the guy said he has birds at home & that he was worried his cat would go after them, but it’s the other way around. Then my coworker goes “SOUNDS LIKE A…- SCAREDY CAT” & then this one person had their dog at the event who ate a caterpillar on the ground and event was interrupted by them & the owner got it out of their dogs mouth, the owner said “Sorry, he got a caterpillar” THEN the guy doing the event said “SOUNDS MORE LIKE A CANT-ERPILLAR TO ME”
Ahhh… was a good day.
Today my daughter (7) found a random plastic eyeball that fell off a toy in our yard. She carried it around with her all morning while she was playing different games. When it was time to clean up I noticed she was putting away all her toys except the eyeball.
I asked her: “Are you putting the eyeball away too or are you leaving it out?”
She replied: “leaving it out”
So I said: “Oh, so you can see what you’re doing?”
The stare… then huge eye roll. Then back to cleaning up.
I helped her finish putting away her toys and she came up behind me and pushed something against my back. I turned around and it was the eyeball.
She said: “Daddy, I’m keeping my eye on you!”
Proud moment. I hope she never gets tired of the dad humor!
Turned it around to find out its a cheap copy named ‘rPhone’
The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’
Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.
The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.
The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing. The friar said that they’ll have to keep looking.
The frail man could barley pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully, and managed to ting the bell. The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.
The average sized man refused the hammer. Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar’s eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.
Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man’s body.
Collectively, they said “Who is he Friar? What happened?”
The friar shook his head sadly and said
“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”
BUT IT ISN’T OVER CAUSE THEY STILL NEED A BELL RINGEE ROUND TWO KIDDOS HERE WE GO!!
So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said “Friar, you don’t know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I’d be honored if you’d let me ring the bell today in his honor.”
The friar nodded and let the new man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.
With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high quality ringing tone. Unfortunately, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.
Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one “Who is he, Friar, what happened?”
The friar looked at them all in turn and said “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”
And while I was shopping there a family near me (mom, dad and daughter) whose kid seemed to be around 7 years old.
The kid accidentally stumbled on a price tag and it fell to the ground. Immediately she turned to her father and said:
> Let’s buy it dad! It’s so cheap now that the price dropped.
I don’t know any of them but this little girl will be an amazing dad someday.
He treks his way up the incline at the bottom, slowly getting steeper as he makes his way upward. He eventually reaches the base of a large rock formation, which is much steeper, and makes his way up and around, through a winding trail running along a narrow ledge.
As he reaches the top, he finds a large, relatively flat area, where another hiker is standing near the edge, admiring the landscape. He walks over and stands next to the man, also taking in the view.
The man says to him, "It sure is a gorgeous view from up here, isn't it? The hike is pretty grueling, and you might wanna turn back a few times, but once you get to the top and look out over the whole desert, completely flat and stretching out as far as the eyes can see, you remember why you decided to climb this mountain."
He turns to the man and says, "It sure is, she's a butte."
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit ➡...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.
As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby woods and quietly crept towards the women to find out what their ceremony was all about. By the time he was close enough to hear them they were sitting around the small fire that they had built.
He watched as one woman pulled out some meat from her bag and said in a serious voice, "Partake in this pig flesh to represent your connection to death," and handed it to the fourth woman.
Then the second woman pulled out some cheese from her bag and said with the same seriousness, "Partake in this creature's gift to represent your connection to life," and handed it to the fourth woman.
The third woman then whispered to the fourth, "The meat used to be raw and the cheese used to be moldy, but too many new Sisters were getting sick." Then in a serious voice she said, "Partake in the gift of the soil to represent your connection to the Earth," and she handed the fourth woman some bread.
The three women then said together, "Partake in these gifts and join our Coven."
The man suddenly understood what the women were doing on the beach. They were making a sand witch!
Jesus, Moses and an old man go to play golf.
Moses goes first, hits the ball and it goes into the lake. He parts the lake, walks up to the ball, hits it again and it goes into the hole.
Jesus goes next, hits the ball and it goes into the lake. He walks up to the lake, walks on the water, up to the ball, hits it again and it goes into the hole.
The old man goes next, hits the ball and just before it goes into the water, a fish jumps up and swallows the ball. Just before the fish goes back into the water, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish, and starts flying off with it. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt hits the eagle, the eagle drops the fish, the fish spits out the ball and it goes into the hole. Hole in one.
Jesus turns around with his hands on his hips and grumbles "if you're just going to show off, I'm not playing with you again, dad!"
I don’t mean to be a Grinch and impede on the holiday spirit. However, those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has red and blue flashing lights?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding. Happy Holidays🎄.
An older American couple visits Russia for the first time. They are a little concerned about the language barrier as neither speak Russian. Luckily they find a very friendly cab driver named Rudolph at the airport who speaks fluent English. He gives them his mobile number and says he'll be happy to drive them anywhere they need to go during their stay.
The next morning the wife calls Rudolph and asks if he can take them around to several of the sites. He agrees and warns her to bring an umbrella as it's going to rain today.
She tells her husband who promptly looks out the window and sees clear blue skies. He says the cab driver is just pulling her leg and refuses to bring an umbrella.
The cab picks them up in front of the hotel and they have a very nice morning seeing the sites. Just after lunch the sky starts to fill with dark clouds. The cabbie reminds them to take there umbrellas at the next stop as rain storms in Russia can be severe.
The wife turns to her husband and says .....
See, I told you! Rudolph the red knows rain dear.
... I'll see myself out now ...
Daughter (exasperated): Dad, it's a metaphor. Me (excited): Ooo. I never met a four. Are they like threes? Daughter: Yeah, just a little bigger.
They put his right foot in….
having an argument with the Mrs.....
It was getting quite heated and an American came up to us and tried to stop the fight.
Then an Italian came over to have his say .
A Chinese guy came up to us as well, telling us to calm down.
When a Canadian guy walked over and started talking I lost it.
I turned around and said "Hey, this is a domestic, not an international"
They all took off...
When she asked "who is it?", I turned around and went home.
It took a couple years but he was able to turn himself around
But it was actually hokey pokey, so I turned myself around, because that's what it was all about.
When he was really young, he was the best magician I’ve ever seen. People came to see this first grader do all sorts of magic. Cutting women in half, floating on air, turning roses into doves, the works.
But as he got older, he started to loose his touch. He couldn’t turn flowers into birds when he hit 8th grade. He stopped being able to float as a freshman. When he graduated, he could barely find a quarter in your ear.
I bumped into him one day after he came home from graduating college. He was working as an architect now. I asked him what happened to all that magic? How come he couldn’t keep it going?
He put his arm around me and said, “the way I see it, it was all tricks. And tricks are for kids”
...
...
...
....
...
It was a rough couple of years, but he turned himself around
It just turns around in circles
Just turn around. You still have a problem but at least you're not facing it.
It keeps telling to turn around.
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little shit bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
A husband and wife were on vacation to Moscow around winter holidays. Upon arriving, they stepped out of their car and noticed some precipitation. The husband turned to the wife and said, "I think it's raining."
"I'm not so sure. I think it's snowing." replied the wife.
An officer, who was clearly struggling with the worst of a cold and in no mood for chit-chat, happened to stop by the couple while he was lighting a smoke. The husband caught his attention and asked, "Officer, what do you think? Would you say it's raining or snowing?"
The officer briefly glanced up at the sky. "Definitely raining." he declared, before walking off.
The husband, with a nod and a grin, turned back to his wife and boasted,
"See? Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."
It was a rough couple of years but he turned himself around.
I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."
I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.
"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.
.....
.....Bless my dad's soul.
He had a rough time but he eventually got it turned around.
Son: Knock Knock Me: Who's there? Son: Door Me: Door who? Son: Knock again Me: Knock Knock Son: Who's there? ... I had no reply as I was not telling the joke, really confused and laughed how it got turned around.
