My kid asked me if it's true that some species of Whale can grow up to 100 feet?
I said it's when they're really tired after swimming too long, they can use them to walk home instead.
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Mars: Is it true that only 3% of your water is drinkable?
Earth: Yes.
Mars: That’s pathetic.
Earth: At least I have more than you.
Mars: Stop being so salty.
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"
Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."
(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?
True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
I’m not sure if it’s true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.
The true support that Windows needed...
People think that my homemade toy business isn't very successful, but that's not true.
I'm making six figures a year
Is it true that Mom's making spaghetti?
Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?
Roses are red, that much is true, violets are purple...
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
Found on r/AskReddit on question "what is something that seems too good to be true but isn't?"
Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?
Awaiting a reply with baited breath...
Dad, is it true that two wrongs make a right?
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
A ghost just tried to tell me something that I knew wasn't true
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❤️
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
Son: Dad, is it true that the dead sea makes you weightless?
Dad: I guess you'll just have to weight and sea
What do you call a sandwich that makes dreams come true?
It is true that I am a psychic lumberjack.
I saw it with my own eyes.
I asked my wife, “Is it true that Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?”
Her: Yes.
Me: How did he reach the part between the shoulders?
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
- Dad, is it true that you can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it?
- Yeah, I saw it with my own eyes.
What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?
She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story]
On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(
They told me that my dreams would come true when pigs could fly...
...Ten years later, my hog-shipping airmail business is doing great!
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
Therapist:Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true ?
Me:Well to be honest I never knew she sold flowers
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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