My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
I knead one of those!!
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
...Colby
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
So, I’m standing outside my office building with my older, wiser coworker, when he points up at a flock of geese flying in a V.
Me: [looks at the geese coworker is pointing to]
Coworker: “you notice how one side of the V is longer than the other?”
Me: “yeah”
Coworker: “do you know why that is?”
Me: “hmm... no”
Coworker: “there’s more birds on that side”
So they're pretty much all one-liners.
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
It was all COVID up
...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.
Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.
I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.
Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.
I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?
So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."
So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"
Then Big Guy came home.
My son and I love good egg pun Dad jokes. We got it going the other day and my wife rolled her eyes. He asked her, "which joke didn't you like?"
She replied "all ovum"
"She became a little spore addict."
My wife emailed a company asking if they had stock of heaters and a man named Kurt sends a reply email with only the text “no stock”, which she showed me.
So I said: “Living up to his name I see”
I had recently joined a band as their bassist, whose previous bassist was very punny and also had a long beard like me.
I had made some unmemorable pun, and the guitarist said, "Goddamn it, puns must be related to beards."
I said, "With great length comes greatest pun ability."
Swear to god this is true. Only two people witnessed it. I want you all to be my witnesses.
Police tried to get it out of that area, but it was rather emuvable...
Kid- If i'm going to climb over a fence, we'll need a ladder
Dad- Are you sure we won't need the former?
My dad was at the store, buying lettuce. His items get scanned, and the cashier asks “would you like the lettuce in the bag?” And he says, “no, I think I’ll go green.”
Me: every time I have a headache, I suffer.
A friend was getting married in a small church. I was part of the wedding party, and we were at wedding practice, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We noticed the bride to be seemed a bit agitated, so we asked her what was wrong.
"The church is so small," she said, "which I love - but where will we fit the musicians? we hired three string musicians to play us in and out of the wedding and there doesn't seem to be any place for them to play!"
I looked at my friend and his bride-to-be and smiled.
"You have nothing to worry about. Haven't you heard...?" They shook their heads in unison.
"THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO."
A couple of hours later, I text my wife
"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"
edit: the original message
So this needs a little backstory.
About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."
Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.
Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.
I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"
True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.
Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.
Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.
Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.
Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!
My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.
The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.
...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”
I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"
He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."
I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"
He said, "Nope, I feel fine."
And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."
He still gets mad about when I bring it up.
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
She said "who in their right mind would name their kid Spartacus?"
My dad said "not a very bright spart"
To which he replied, “good thing you’re laying down”. Ugh.
The other day I was at a DIY shop, buying various tools for around the house. In my basket was a hammer, and when it travelled along the conveyor belt and reached the checkout girl I shouted 'Stop!'.
She just looked at me blankly, and I was too embarrassed to finish the joke.
