I think I might’ve pulled a mussel.
seemed to be a booby trap.
I said "No, son. I'm half left."
It was a toilet brush with death.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
Damn it, I soiled myself.
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
...It seemed to be a booby trap.
It was a booby trap.
The fella fell
Damn boobie traps
"Ow !! I Hur'-my-knee !!"
I was stumped.
I went to their first practice, and they spent the whole time tripping over each other while trying to dance.
I guess they weren't N-Sync.
I got floored
It was an offal mess
He says “Oh no! Eiffel!”
It was a booby trap.
I haven't been sweeping well lately.
It was a booby trap…
Customer service asked me how my experience was. So I answered, "It wasn't the best place, but it was definitely 3 stars."
Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, “The items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.
20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.
The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightni... keep reading on reddit ➡
Where do Gerbil go on vacation?
At one place where we'd stopped for lunch, several people noticed a butt-print on the back of one of our vehicles, and this guy looking rather amused with himself. Once everyone had noticed and was aware of the situation, he proudly said, "Well, looks like the van got rear ended!"
"hey guys did you know that bridges generate static electricity? When we get over the center of the bridge touch the window"
We all touch the windows even though we have no idea where he is going.
"do you feel it? Do you feel the pane?"
I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Look! Goose creek!"
After crossing over it and not seeing much i said, "Wasn't much to gander."
Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.
Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"
Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.
This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.
Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’... keep reading on reddit ➡
But there were some baby goats there using alchemy to paper money into coins near the exit. As I rushed out the door, I tripped over some of their stacks of coins, which knocked me out til the police showed up.
I was so close! And, honestly, I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for those metaling kids.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an off
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.
She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!
The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.
A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were final... keep reading on reddit ➡
Me: "So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it."
Boyfriend: "I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."
Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.
Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.
One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.
Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it... keep reading on reddit ➡
So Recently on a road trip back from the mountains, my friends and I decided to make a quick stop for gas and food. We all head into the supermarket located next to the gas station. The last of our friends makes it over and says, “I bought a pear.” Without thinking I respond with, “No you didn’t, you only bought one..” The look of disappointment in his face/his loud sigh, with my other friend struggling to contain himself made the whole trip a win.
I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.
Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.
About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.
People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.
He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".
In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".
He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"
Preface: I live in Ohio.
Over the years my dad and I have taken lots of trips together or vacations to different states. Well whenever he goes to pay for something with cash, thinking he's real clever, he asks the cashier if they accept Ohio money. Every. Single. Time. The cashier instantly gets super confused and kinda just stares awkwardly. Despite how dumb the joke is I honestly do get a chuckle out of how uncomfortable the cashiers get lol.
So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.
My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..
My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..
My SO just got back from a trip to cuba, while there her sister asks "am I tan?" Only to be met with a dad joke response "you do look pretty sin over cosine."
A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.
Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"
Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"
Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up int... keep reading on reddit ➡
Context: Lately our ceiling has been leaking so we've put a bucket on the floor to keep all the water in one place
So I was coming down the stairs while using my phone and without looking where I was going, absentmindedly tripped over the bucket, letting the water stored go everywhere. My dad comes rushing in to see what all the noise was about because I had just made quite the ruckus. After telling him what happened, he slowly put two fingers on my neck as to check my pulse. I ask what he's doing and he replies "I'm just making sure my son is okay, he just kicked the bucket," He was very proud of himself for it and got a chuckle out of me.
A few days ago, my friend went to one of those outdoor gear shops, looking for a few things to prepare her for a canoe trip she was going to take. While there, her mom wandered away into the next aisle over. My friend sees her mom leave, looks at her dad and asks, "What is mom doing in the tent aisle?" Her dad responds, "Shopping for a dress."
As she is entering, she trips over. The Mother Superior rushes over to help "It seems you got into a bad habit this morning" Says Mother Superior.
I just took my family to the Loire Valley for vacation (I live in Luxembourg, so it was just a road trip). My wife was interested in visiting a vineyard and trying out some local wine.
We asked at our hotel for recommendations. My wife looked over the brochures and complained that they were all in the neighboring town of Chinon.
She wondered if the hotel was getting kickbacks or something.
Me: "I call Chinon-agins!"
So my daughter was filling out a form that was asking if she has left the country recently. Well, technically she has. She took a canoe trip over the border into a wilderness area.
I told her that since she didn't go to any populated areas or contact any wildlife that she could just say no. She argued and said "Well, i mean i did come into contact with Canadian water and land."
I said, "Well, that's different. You know Canadian water has a different chemical composition, right?"
She just looked at me.
"Yeah, it's H2O A?"
So, I have this friend named Mikee. I was over at her house with a couple of other friends for a road trip, and her dad started going crazy looking for something. He calls out "Hey, has anyone seen this heart-shaped box?"
So we all decided to look around for this heart-shaped box, and she eventually finds it. So she calls out to him "Hey dad! I think I found the box!" He comes in, and she gives him the box. Curious, I decided to ask him "So, what's in it?"
Smiling, he turns to me, and pulls out what was in the box.
He gives Mikee a hug, while everyone else is simultaneously awwing and groaning, while Mikee looks ready to die of embarrassment.
I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it. So naturally, I looked over and asked, "So you're alright, then?"
We're on a road trip and my mom, a biologist, says that the moon tonight is a "Full Beaver" which used to mean that it was the last night to set beaver traps before the swamp freezes over.
My dad replies: "Wow, the last time I saw a full beaver was when that girl at the concert had a wardrobe malfunction."
I just remembered a story about my dad from when I was a kid and figured you guys would appreciate it.
We were on a vacation/road trip. My mom wanted to stop at some big flea market on our way out. My sister and I had never been to a flea market before. My dad knew we didn't know what to expect. When we arrived my dad told us to stand outside the car before we went in. He walked over to us and told us to lift our arms. He brought out some bug spray. He sprayed our arms and legs. My sister and I had no idea what was going on. He looked at us, completely serious, "for the fleas", he says. Never laughed or mentioned it again.
I'm a pre-k teacher, and when I was hanging around during my break at the first grade recess, one of them tripped over a ball a few feet away, and saw me watching her. She said, "I'm okay." with a proud voice.
I walked over slowly, asked her if she needs to go to the hospital. She responded no. I walked her over to the teachers on duty, and told them that she needed to go to the hospital. She kept saying that she didn't.
I told them that she needs to go because she forgot her name. She thinks her name is "okay."
She stared at me and shook her head while the teachers laughed.
So me and my family went on a whale watching trip on a Sunday afternoon. We were hungry so me, my dad and my sister waited in a concession stand line to buy snacks while we were on the boat. My dad tells my sister to grab what ever she wants and she looks at him with the biggest smile and says "Oh don't tell me that dad, Ima go...over board". Highlight of the trip.
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a constructi... keep reading on reddit ➡
So my dad and I are driving home from a camping trip. We pull over at a rest stop to grab some dinner. Looking up at the sky, I see the moon is at a crescent. I say to him "Do you think it's waning?" While pointing at the moon. Without looking up, he responds "Waning? It's not even cwoudy!"
how come nobody has tripped over the power cord?
Dad and I talking about an upcoming Italy trip over skype.
Dad: Yeah I would like to visit Florence as well
Me: oh, Florence is amazing, I loved it there!
Dad:did you see the machine?
Me: (confused) machine? what machine?..........oh for fucks sake.
Dad laughs, I facepalm
To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.
Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor
Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."
Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."
Employee: "Yeah, that's true."
Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."
Employee pity laughs
Best trip to Walgreens ever.
Yesterday, my girlfriend and I were driving home from a vacation we had taken on a ranch. About an hour into the trip, silence had taken over the trip until this gem of an opportunity presented itself:
Driving along, I notice a dead deer on the side of the road. Me, "Hmmm." Girlfriend, "What?" Me, "Nothing. Just... That deer." Girlfriend, "What about it?" Me, "That's just such an odd place for a deer to take a nap."
I'm pretty sure even the dead deer groaned at that one. Great success.
Edit- Grammar. Whoops.
We were walking around Home Depot and I tripped over a mop that had fallen, which brought down some items near me. Naturally, everyone within the vicinity looked at me and at this moment, my mother's boyfriend says: "Just call her 'Grace'."
So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.
Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.
Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's... keep reading on reddit ➡
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this... keep reading on reddit ➡
Meanwhile, when I came back home to visit family this summer, my parents were surprised by the amount of weight I lost, as I had gone from 275 pounds over the summer to 250 over the winter to 225 now. They'd just been back from Scotland, and right after they congratulated me on my weight loss, my father remarked that he had a gift to give me from their trip:
I'm visiting my parents from out of town and we all had gone outside to see the super moon and the meteor shower.
My dad waited until I said something along the lines of "oh wow look at the super moon."
That's when it started. He began singing "Super moon, super moon, it's super moonay" to the tune of "super freak." My mom, not to be outdone, joined in.
I'm clearly not having it so after seeing the super moon I go back inside. They follow me inside and I trip over their dog Tink. Annoyed I said, "Stupid Tink" setting off a new chorus of Super Tink.
My father and I were on a road trip that led us through the town of Jenks. He gets a sly smile on his face and says, "Hey, don't jinx me."
I shook my head and we continued on. Shortly after leaving Jenks, he gets pulled over.
"Well, Dad, looks like you jinxed yourself."
I trip over a wastebasket trying to walk past him
My manager: "You nearly kicked the bucket there!"
I went whale watching today with my class and it was a great day. We saw tons of breaches by a young calf and over 20 humpbacks!
I called my dad when I get home and told him about this amazing trip...
Me: "We saw a whale breach 20 times!"
Dad: "Well you know what they say, life's a breach and then you dive."
I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't... keep reading on reddit ➡
One of my best friends is on a trip to San Antonio. She posted a picture showing that her hotel is directly accross from the Alamo. I asked if she said "Alamo-sey on over there later!"
She called me a dweeb and I laughed at my own joke for a good five minutes.
We're walking down the sidewalk and pass a gardner with a Stihl brand weed wacker laid down next to him.
My uncle accidentally trips over the weed wacker.
Uncle: Oh, I'm sorry. But it looks like it ...Stihl works!
So my dog was walking around looking for crumbs Me: move dog or I'll trip over you Mom:he's looking for crumbs Me: I don't care about his stupid crumb expedition Mom: yeah it's pretty crumby
We were on a tour in China and at dinner, a guide announced that for the trip into the desert the next day they were going to dig us some make-shift restrooms.
My dad leans over to me and says "Ohhhhh, make-shift!" and we both lost it.