I used to be afraid to plant my own fruit tree…

but then someone told me to grow a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2022
🚨︎ report
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?

The poplar tree

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samcp12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?

A fourest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
On Earth Day I was going to plant a tree

But I planted my butt on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lexmaster02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did tree did the chemist plant in her garden?

A ChemisTREE

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nbarudi
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My mum wants to plant a mandarin tree

My parents were discussing what fruit tree to grow in the back yard.

Mum: I want a mandarin tree.

Dad: Do you want to know what tastes better than eating a mandarin? .. Eating Amanda out.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanSurvey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you know that pine trees are the sexiest of all plants?

You can look up their skirts, down their tops, and they give you wood.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NefariousNik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did someone plant a bunch of trees after hiking 12 miles?

Fo rest

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NabrenX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I planted a tree today, and it was instantly my biggest fan.

Ain't nobody ever rooted so much for me before.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I joined a tree planting group to try and meet new people.

It's really helping me branch out

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomways
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2022
🚨︎ report
God planted a tree. What is it called?

Hollywood

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OW0974
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
🚨︎ report
My neighbor planted dogwood trees and his front yard.

I'm not a huge fan of the bark.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2022
🚨︎ report
I planted a dad joke tree in my garden that my friend gave me. My wife and kids never go there.

It was groan free.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd416
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2022
🚨︎ report
When you know your trees ready to plant.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardsmith_82
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The tree finally found a good therapist…

It wanted to get to the root of its problems.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sid_the_Hamster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2023
🚨︎ report
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.

I hope you scrolled past that.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdickcorrine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My holiday home neighbour planted a tall row of trees blocking my view.

Sun-off-a-bach!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOffbeatTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.

It wasn’t very poplar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSolo1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Me to My kid: "I heard you've been planting trees, son! Why don't you plant Tulips?.."

Nvm, not from Alabama

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksniffer666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If a farmer tills a field so he can plant pear trees, is he "pre-pearing"?
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rakketytam2000
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
I planted some trees in my neighbor's yard to say Sorry for upsetting her.

I hope she accepts my apolotrees.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I planted some orange trees in my backyard about 15 years ago

It’s amazing how fast my little treenagers have grown!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aevyian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my Ranger at work that after my dog had passed away, we buried him and then planted a tree to grow on top of his grave.

He responded with "I guess that tree will have more bark than usual".

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phat_blah
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
🚨︎ report
George Harrison has finally chosen his pronouns....

I/Me/Mine

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
🚨︎ report
In a galaxy far far away....

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.

The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency.Β  Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.

As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.

Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.

Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.

And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacAtack3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2022
🚨︎ report
How do you scare a tree?

BAMBOO!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrassBallsComedy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2022
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told that faith comes from within

So I've been eating nothing but tree branches. I told my pastor about this.

He said "That'd just leave you stuffed with plant matter, wood in it?"

"Some," I replied. "But I really feel it in my gut - most of it now be leaves."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlkeneThiol
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy was stopped by security

Sir this is a private subdivision.

I'm just passing through.

What's that in the bag?

Oh, these are bonsia plants.

What's a bonsai plant?

They're small trees. See?

Sorry, I can't let you through.

Why?

NO TREES PASSING.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurens_b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Bananas produce enough radiation to set off sensitive geiger counters.

That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFailureKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A young woman runs a science experiment.

Once, there was a young woman who wanted to do a little psychological experiment. So she carefully bred cherry trees to bloom in multiple colors, and arranged to have them planted such that the trees of one color would spell out the name of some other color. You know, to test the Stroop effect.

However, the instructions (which were, admittedly, odd) weren't transmitted to the workers (all starving underpaid grad students) effectively, so the groups of various colored cherry trees were planted such that the colors matched the names, completely invalidating her experiment.

She's now the Stroop drupe group blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl...

She now focuses on Anglo-Saxon royalty.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derleth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
🚨︎ report
So, my dad and I were talking about birds today..

and the fact that there is a giant artificially planted tree in our back yard that is going to get too big to support itself eventually, or whatever, and we'd have to cut it down. I said we'd have to relocate the birds that have made a home in our tree first, naturally, or wait for them to leave. He said "how are you going to relocate the birds? You can't just send them an email and be like 'be out of here by next Thursday'." There was a pause, and moments later he says "oh you know what to do. " "You send them a tweet."

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehfrog729
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
The look on my mom's face was priceless.

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaaryk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured himself a tumbler of whiskey and sipped at it nervously.

"You're being rather quiet today, Johnson. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

"It's just this new guy, Mr. Cone," Mr. Johnson said carefully, staring at the bottom of his whiskey glass. "Are we sure we know him as well as we think we do?"

Mr. Smith took only a small puff from his cigar before letting his hand rest back on his desk. "Now really, Johnson," he sighed, "you're a good agent. Your caution has served you well in the past, but paranoia doesn't look so good on you. Mr. Cone has the most impressive resumΓ© I've seen come across my desk in the last fifteen years. I've personally had him vetted by the best men in the business. He's going to be an asset to this office."

That was the response Mr. Johnson had been afraid of getting, but he continued to press his cause. "I understand that, sir. It's just that I'm getting the strangest feeling from this Cone fellow. Don't you think he's a little too perfect? A little too well-qualified?"

Mr. Smith stopped smoking his cigar altogether. A distant look came into his eyes as he mulled over the possibilities. "You don't suppose--"

"Yes," said Mr. Johnson, "I think he's a plant."

Note: I'm a mom, not a dad, but I'm pretty sure I only thought of this because my father-in-law tortures me with these kinds of stories almost constantly.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad's thoughts on landscaping in the hood.

We were sitting around the dinner table talking about buying some trees to plant in the lawn this fall.

Dad says: "We need some thug trees."

We all give him a puzzled look and ask what on earth he means by that.

His reply: "I hear they're very shady."

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/localglocal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Some highlights from our family trip last weekend

Oldest son (at a restaurant): do they accept dogs here? Me: no, it's cash or card

Waitress (bringing our after dinner drinks): I have three ports. Me: it was supposed to be two ports and a starboard

Youngest son (while we were driving): look, a cow... nevermind, it's gone Me: yes, we mooooved on...

Me: those plants around the redwoods are ferns Oldest son: they grow really close to the trees Me: yeah, they're really frondly...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad and I got our Christmas tree today...

And on the way home, we were discussing how plants retrieve nutrients, and why pine trees can survive through the winter. I said, "I wonder if it stems from the shape of their leaves?" To which my dad responded, "Well, I suppose we just got to the root of the problem, so I bet we can just leaf it at that."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LexTheImpaler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
🚨︎ report
My neighbour is too scared to plant an apple tree.

So I told him to grow a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2022
🚨︎ report
My neighbor told me he was too scared to plant an apple tree..

I told him to grow a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevdawgie7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad planting trees in the backyard...

Come home, see my dad planting trees in the backyard... I ask, "How do you know where to plant the trees?" Dad says, "It's arbortrary".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cheechoo13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My six year old came up with these one today

How did the rose plant grow? It rose

His other good one after some thought..

How does a tree escape? It leaves

Iβ€˜m proud of his thinking

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/artrandenthi1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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