Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

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👤︎ u/Rav4xle
📅︎ May 17 2020
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

👍︎ 31
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📅︎ Dec 01 2014
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