Train Rail Puns

“Hey, a train just went by!"

“How do you know, daddy?”

“Because its tracks are still here!”

The culprits left no tracks

It chew chews it!?

Credit: My 3 year old, who validated the joke through my 6 year old.

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

Because it has loco motives

I figured he would do well with on the job training. He went off the rails and wrecked. I don't need to mention about his conduct during the process.

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:

"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"

He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.

As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".

I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.

my girlfriend, her friend, and I were all in a coffee shop doing some studying when she she started thinking. I said something to her friend and after I finished my sentence I was able to unleash this beauty.

Girlfriend: Damn it! I lost my train of thought! Where did it go?

Me: It probably de-railed itself.

I then started to lose it and was hysterically laughing while I received a look of total disappointment.

“Hey, a train just went by!"

“How do you know daddy?”

“Because its tracks are still here!”

“How many trains have you derailed to date?” I replied “It’s hard to keep track.”

It left its tracks.