Topics For Puns

But it's just a crying shame none of them are called "Daddy Issues"

“Woah, woah, doc,” I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

I don't see this happening, but it would be nice if there were topical post flairs we could mark our dad jokes with. For example "movies", "kitchen", "car", "job", "wife", "mother-n-law", etc. I suppose the possibilities are endless, which probably means it won't be happening. But, you'll be cooler than my dad, if you do. :-) There is a lot of comedy gold on here, which would be great to have these to sort by when inspiration fails to strike.

oinkment

Turns out that math wasn’t the best topic for De bait

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

Hello, if you could please make a funny pun so I could get extra credit for the title of my essay, that would be great.

Topic: Pursuit of Knowledge- Frankenstein.

It’s a small rodent sweetheart.

topical dad joke

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

Howdy punsters!

Please remember when posting to /r/puns that the punchline should be in the post itself, not the topic. Puns should be self-explanatory. If you have to explain it, please do so in the comments. We've had a lot of puns lately, especially images, ruined before clicking on them when the whole thing was spoiled in the topic line.

Up to now, we've been assigning "for shame" flair when this happens, but it's become very common lately. As a result, posts with punchlines in the topic will be removed.

Thanks!

So the topic of nicknames came up in a conversation and we ended up on how the most common nickname for Richard is “Dick”. Naturally, someone asked, “How do you get Dick from Richard?” And without hesitation I responded, “You ask him nicely.”

Just thought I’d let you all know I’ve made it in life.

I was at an Arabic-themed pop-up bar with some friends last weekend, where all the drinks were named for places and things relating to the Arab world, etc. Everyone's favorite drink was a punch called "Fuck ISIS" (which was delicious), and I said "Wow, a punch named for a current event... I guess one could call it... topical punch."

Ba-dum psh.

Me: I should write medical articles for buzzfeed.

Girlfriend: Oh? What's the topic?

Me: "What happens when you lose too much blood will SHOCK you"

I saw myself out

(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)

Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.

Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!

The topic is racism. My mom, sisters, and I are talking about how racism and stereotypes are not the same while my dad just quietly eats his food. We all give some examples of stereotypes for different cultures and how they might have come about. Then there is a break in the conversation.

A break for dad to casually throw in his two cents: "Many stereo types are from Japan."

I can imagine his thoughts before saying it. Oh, I've got one for this. Come on, set me up set me up . . . yes!

Good stuff, dad.

I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.

"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.

Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"

Most groaned, a few clapped...

If you guys could help out, I need some cool puns for a website I am making. They need to be Egyptian-based and on the topics of the Gods and Creation. Thanks Cokacolla2000

My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:

Dad: "I went to a party there once."

-Skeptical silence-

Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".

I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.

(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)

EDIT cant spell.

At the mall shopping for a new back pack for my daughter to use at school when we a saw Doctor Who themed one. My wife questioned if it would be big enough to hold all of our daughter's books...

"Don't worry," I said. "It's bigger in the inside." Then I started laughing like a mad man.

And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Hot Topic.

It asked for a pick-up line using topics from our class (Programming Languages). Here's what I wrote:

>Smalltalk is nice, but how about a date over a nice cup of Java?

^My ^first ^dad ^joke! ^^I'm ^^so ^^proud ^^of ^^myself

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

My family had a get-together for my grandpa's birthday tonight and ISIS became the topic of the conversation.

Aunty: "I heard that ISIS is all over the place now."

Dad: "Yeah, you know where it is?"

Grandpa: "Where?"

Dad: "ISIS in the freezer."

Eyerolls and groans everywhere.

Was stood around with a few colleagues waiting for a meeting to start and the topic of watches came up, this is when one of them dropped this zinger.

"I used to have a nice watch but i broke it a couple of months ago. I want to get it repaired but i just haven't got the time."

I don't think he realised what he said until after but it gave me a good chuckle.

She and I were catching up, and the topic turned to my dad.

Mom: "Yeah, your dad is good, playing a lot of music. Actually one of his bands is coming by tonight."

Me: "Who's he playing with?"

Mom: "Mark, Tom, and Bill.....actually he has like 5 Bills he jams with."

Me: "Do they make money?"

Mom: "They jam mostly for fun."

Me: "So my dad has 5 unpaid Bills."

Mom: sigh....

Wife: I am always stuck with all these I's. Son: Now you can see better with more eyes!!

Could not control the chuckles and my wife's groans were sweeter than....topic for another day.

On the topic discussing our upcoming mid-terms. Student: "what's the essay going to be on?" Teacher: "on a sheet of paper of course, what else would it be on?"

The teacher and I were the only ones laughing for a few minutes

This happened earlier today. The class was on the topic of crash costs and financial responsibilities.

Teacher: If a crash is determined to be your fault, then you are responsible for paying for injuries sustained by others, and damage to property. But there are some places that have an exception, like in the state of Florida, it's considered a "no fault state".

Me: Couldn't you consider California a pretty faulty state?

Whole classroom: -laudable groans-

So sometimes I help my dads hockey team out when they're short on players and always leave with new material. They were getting on one guy for thinking about getting married and how it's a horrible idea.

Future dad: "Ya i'm in the process of finding some rings that she may like"

Dad: "Well you gotta buy three rings for her. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering"

This of course leads to laughs and another topic of how blowjobs are obsolete as the marriage goes on and to hold onto the memories of seeing women naked other than your wife.

Excerpt from a book my class is reading:

"...'Say please and thank you nicely and I might let you have some.'

'Please and thank you nicely,' Haroun said quickly."

Haroun must just be saying this to impress his father. I plan to bring it up next class and hopefully get approval for an essay topic regarding dadjokes and their place in literature.

Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful Mother's Day evening, the topic turned to our church organist who is absolutely awful and serves as the source of much pain and humor for my family.

Dad: After all these years you would think he would be able to play at least one song without a mistake.

Mom: In his defense, the pay is almost nonexistent. It's basically volunteer. So his heart is in the right place. pause His fingers just aren't!

Belly laughs all around. She was bright red laughing at her own joke. Well deserved.

So my boss and I are painting a large room and we tend to talk aimlessly about random stuff when working.

We start talking about what the best way to die would be and the topic comes up about beheading and the different methods throughout the ages.

Me: "Guillotine is kinda cool because your head gets sheared off and your still alive and they hold your head toward the cheering crowds and apparently you can still see them, and even move your eyes.

Him: what about by axe?

me: Beheading by Axe would be painful because not only do you not die right away, but sometimes it takes multiple swings to take your head off. It even gets stuck sometimes.

Him: So the Executioner would be having to pry the Axe back and forth like its stuck in a log?

Me: yeah.

Him: What a pain in the neck.

I heartily bellowed in laughter , guffawed even, and gave him props for it.

Talking to a friend about possibly moving to California and earthquakes became a topic of conversation.

Her: Watch out for earthquakes though. No pressure.

Her: Sorry, I just get a little shaken up thinking about it.

Me: Don’t worry it’s not your fault

Then she didn't reply for a while.

Me: Did I crack you up? Are these puns resonating with you? Or are they just causing a rift in our friendship?

I stopped by my parents house for dinner the other night. I brought up the topic of the dreadful condition of the bathroom at work.

Me (paraphrasing): I can barely stand the smell in there, I don't think the toilet has been cleaned for weeks.

Dad: Yea that toilet has seen some shit.

This is probably more topical humor, but I'm a dad and I'm proud of this one.

My wife and I (and our 18-month-old daughter) went to our friends' house (also a married couple, 3 children) for the new year's celebration. About 10 minutes after midnight, Dave (the male in the other relationship) said, "What was Chris Brown's biggest hit?"

Without skipping a beat, I instantly reply, "Rihanna."

EDIT: Spelling.

Basically we somehow got on the topic of hipsters and irony. My Dad wanted to make a sort of pun to annoy my sister, because she hates puns.

Now I figure most people would make some sort of reference to an iron "e", and that would be it. But oh no, that's far too simple for him. He says something along the lines of,

"If they're ironic (or defined by irony), doesn't that make them Pharisees?"

So you've got to know that "Ferrous" refers to iron, and then to have some basic knowledge of the New Testament or at least have heard of the Pharisees before. This kind of works on another level because the Pharisees were accused of saying one thing and doing another, which could be said to be ironic to some degree. Of course I've just killed the frog at this point, but I mean if you're ever around some Chemists who have some knowledge of the bible, you might get a slight chuckle, or perhaps even a nod. I'm not really even sure if this qualifies as a Dad joke, but there ya go.