“I have split personality” said Tom being Frank.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I... keep reading on reddit ➡
"is that common?"
It's not unusual
They call him Tom eight toes
Hilfiger it out.
The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.
It's not unusual.
He was just a common-tater.
...Hilfiger it out"
That's what I named my pet Amphibian.
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
Doctor: Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome.
Me: Is it common?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.
Their schedules were too different.
I finally battled my Damons.
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’...
Because Submission impossible
I’d never met herbivore.
She said, “Finally! You are battling your Damons.”
Would it be a Whiskey Business?
“Now I’m freeeeeeeeee, free ballin”
He's already reaching for the stars.
Well, It's Not Unusual.
He just wrote thanks
Turns out it was just a Forest Stump.
Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster
The waaaaaiting is the hardest part
Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.
It’s called Bisquey Ritzness
Its the final Final Countdown countdown.
Because he's eggcentric
That’s the peak time
I guess that is Jerry picking.
He’s too short to reach the top gun
These are the thymes that try men's soles.
They couldn’t stand that she’d married a commentator
He's trying to be Loki
But that subject is very deflatable.
He had to prevent the kid napping
The wind tunnel says to him "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan."
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
SMBC dad joke: http://smbc-comics.com/comic/say-my-name-2
In the bushes, outside the window.
I have two daughters, Claire (5) and Maren (1.5). When they were born, one of my first duties as dad was to give them rap names. After much brainstorming and deliberation I chose Claire and Present Danger and then to keep with theme, Mare Force One.
Could I have done better?
He's a five-time Super Bowel champion.
Don't tell anyone else though, they're trying to keep it Loki
I suppose you could say he got to play because Drew bled so.
He replied, "I hear the Russians are behind it."
...some people might mistake it for a cover of a Rolling Stones song.
I wanted to post this in /r/Showerthoughts but they have a rule against puns. :(
The Rolling Stones song I'm referring to is this one.
Feel free to join us over at /r/TomSwifties if this sort of masochism works for you!
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
"I think I'm becoming a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead earnest.
"Now I can do some painting," said Tom easily.
"There are no two's in this deck." Tom de-deuced. "You're burning the candle from both ends." Tom said wickedly. "I dropped my toothpaste." Tom said Crestfallen.