"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
I keep having dreams about Tom Jones
"is that common?"
It's not unusual
Did you hear about Tom, the guy who lost two of his toes in an accident with red acidic fruit?
They call him Tom eight toes
My couain asked for clothes, I said lets go to Tom
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.
Do you know how common the "Tom Jones Syndrome" is?
Why wouldn’t Ms. Potato Head marry Tom Brokaw?
He was just a common-tater.
My cousin asked for clothes, i replied "Let's go to Tom....
Tom Cruise is minute.
That's what I named my pet Amphibian.
[OC] Credit for the joke goes to my friend, Tom Jackson.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced.
Their schedules were too different.
Doctor, Doctor. I can’t stop sex bomb by Tom Jones.
Doctor: Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome.
Me: Is it common?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.
I had a recurring nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Tom Ripley, but now I’m ok.
I finally battled my Damons.
Why can Tom Cruise never lose?
Because Submission impossible
So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’...
I told my therapist that I have a recurring dream where I’m fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Tom Ripley.
She said, “Finally! You are battling your Damons.”
If Tom is short for Thomas
If Tom Cruise and Terry Crews sold tickets for a meet and greet on a Ship headed for Mexico, they'd advertise the Cruise-Crews Cruise to Veracruz.
Why was Tom, the cannibal tomato’s wife missing?
If Tom Cruise owned a liquor company
Would it be a Whiskey Business?
What does Tom Petty say when he doesn’t have any clean underwear?
“Now I’m freeeeeeeeee, free ballin”
What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
I was so happy when my toddler reached out and tried to touch Tom Cruise.
He's already reaching for the stars.
How does Tom Hanks express his gratitude?
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Tom Hiddleston’s ex couldn’t get tickets to Avengers: End Game before they sold out.
Is it strange that I still listen to Tom Jones?
I saw Tom Hanks earlier today and asked him for an autograph
Tom grew sick of being a tool.
I thought I saw Tom Hanks in the woods yesterday.
Turns out it was just a Forest Stump.
What does Tom Petty think is the most difficult aspect of working in a restaurant?
The waaaaaiting is the hardest part
God said to Tom "Come fourth and receive eternal life."
Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster
Did you hear about the new tomato soup and crackers movie starring Tom Cruise?
It’s called Bisquey Ritzness
Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.
Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.
Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?
Its the final Final Countdown countdown.
People ask why peeping toms usually commit their crimes between 8 and 10...
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?
Tom only chases the most suitable mouse.
I guess that is Jerry picking.
It was silly of Tom Cruise to put his best pistol on the highest shelf
He’s too short to reach the top gun
I hear Tom Brady is very deflated after his loss.
My friend Tom and I were walking through an herb garden. I noticed that the bottoms of my shoes were getting scuffed. He said...
These are the thymes that try men's soles.
Princess potato was disowned by the king and queen for marrying Tom Brokaw.
They couldn’t stand that she’d married a commentator
What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Why would Tom Hiddleston wear a hoodie and sunglasses?
Tom Brady may be the best QB in NFL history...
But that subject is very deflatable.
Tom's dad didn't let him sleep last night
He had to prevent the kid napping
Have you seen the new Tom Cruise movie where he plays an Italian chef?
Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel.
The wind tunnel says to him "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan."
Tom Swiftie: “Who rounded off the top of this doorway?” Tom said archly.
I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
There's Negative Nancy... Debbie Downer... Chatty Cathy... but where did Peeping Tom come from?
In the bushes, outside the window.
"Oh Tom, say my name!"
SMBC dad joke: http://smbc-comics.com/comic/say-my-name-2
My buddy: "Just picked up a Tom Jones vinyl for $4! Hell yeah." Me: "That's not unusual."
My Daughters Have Tom Clancy Themed Rap Names
I have two daughters, Claire (5) and Maren (1.5). When they were born, one of my first duties as dad was to give them rap names. After much brainstorming and deliberation I chose Claire and Present Danger and then to keep with theme, Mare Force One.
Could I have done better?
Did you know Tom Brady can go longer than anyone without pooping?
He's a five-time Super Bowel champion.
Peeping Tom (X-post from r/cats)
How does Tom Hanks sign off on a package?
Did you guys hear? Tom Hiddleston is dating Taylor Swift
Don't tell anyone else though, they're trying to keep it Loki
I learned today that Tom Brady first got to play in an NFL game because the previous quarterback suffered an injury causing internal bleeding
I suppose you could say he got to play because Drew bled so.
My dad loves Tom Clancy books and I told him that he passed away...
He replied, "I hear the Russians are behind it."
Dad joke found in the Tom Hanks AMA
What is it called when someone kidnaps Tom Petty
So my dad met Tom Selleck and sends me this dad joke
If Tom Waits ever records a cover of "For No One" by Paul McCartney / The Beatles...
...some people might mistake it for a cover of a Rolling Stones song.
I wanted to post this in /r/Showerthoughts but they have a rule against puns. :(
The Rolling Stones song I'm referring to is this one.
"Measure twice, cut once," tom remarked
Saw this flavor at my local Tom Thumb, thought y'all would enjoy.
I hear Tom Hiddleston is in the background of one of the scenes in Avengers 2
It's quite a low key appearance
"Serenity Now!" Tom screamed, malcontentedly waiting for his favorite show to start.
Feel free to join us over at /r/TomSwifties if this sort of masochism works for you!
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
"I think I'm becoming a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead earnest.
"Now I can do some painting," said Tom easily.
Tom's Swifties... Wicked.
"There are no two's in this deck." Tom de-deuced.
"You're burning the candle from both ends." Tom said wickedly.
"I dropped my toothpaste." Tom said Crestfallen.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?