"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep having dreams about Tom Jones

"is that common?"

It's not unusual

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Tom, the guy who lost two of his toes in an accident with red acidic fruit?

They call him Tom eight toes

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDoge55545
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
My couain asked for clothes, I said lets go to Tom

Hilfiger it out.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ftejadal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
Do you know how common the "Tom Jones Syndrome" is?

It's not unusual.

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πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Why wouldn’t Ms. Potato Head marry Tom Brokaw?

He was just a common-tater.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bullhead20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
My cousin asked for clothes, i replied "Let's go to Tom....

...Hilfiger it out"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ftejadal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
Tom Cruise is minute.

That's what I named my pet Amphibian.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
[OC] Credit for the joke goes to my friend, Tom Jackson.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToughBeingAPig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is O scared of Tom?

Because tomatoes

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SherlockHomeles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

The dirtiest clean joke I know...

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

Credit to Redd Foxx

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit4nag
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced.

Their schedules were too different.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErwtEnBernie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor, Doctor. I can’t stop sex bomb by Tom Jones.

Doctor: Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome.

Me: Is it common?

Doctor: It’s not unusual.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freddy_1986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a recurring nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Tom Ripley, but now I’m ok.

I finally battled my Damons.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can Tom Cruise never lose?

Because Submission impossible

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/memes_live
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.

I’d never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquariusV1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I met Tom Hanks today!

I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was β€˜thanks’...

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my therapist that I have a recurring dream where I’m fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Tom Ripley.

She said, β€œFinally! You are battling your Damons.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If Tom is short for Thomas

Is mom short for mhomas?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaruiIan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If Tom Cruise and Terry Crews sold tickets for a meet and greet on a Ship headed for Mexico, they'd advertise the Cruise-Crews Cruise to Veracruz.
πŸ‘︎ 330
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Tamassran_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was Tom, the cannibal tomato’s wife missing?

Because Tomater

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bursem
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If Tom Cruise owned a liquor company

Would it be a Whiskey Business?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckwheat202
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Tom Petty say when he doesn’t have any clean underwear?

β€œNow I’m freeeeeeeeee, free ballin”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrCOUNTCUPCAKE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was so happy when my toddler reached out and tried to touch Tom Cruise.

He's already reaching for the stars.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Tom Hanks express his gratitude?

T.Hanks

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealisticFake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clarknova77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Tom Hiddleston’s ex couldn’t get tickets to Avengers: End Game before they sold out.

She was Loki jealous.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoorayforboogies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it strange that I still listen to Tom Jones?

Well, It's Not Unusual.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw Tom Hanks earlier today and asked him for an autograph

He just wrote thanks

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirjackhepp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Tom grew sick of being a tool.

He had Benadryl.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BatManSaidSo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Tom Hanks in the woods yesterday.

Turns out it was just a Forest Stump.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Tom Petty think is the most difficult aspect of working in a restaurant?

The waaaaaiting is the hardest part

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
God said to Tom "Come fourth and receive eternal life."

Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twizzlerwhipped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new tomato soup and crackers movie starring Tom Cruise?

It’s called Bisquey Ritzness

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.

Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
People ask why peeping toms usually commit their crimes between 8 and 10...

That’s the peak time

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iam4real
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?

Because he's eggcentric

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disrupturous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom only chases the most suitable mouse.

I guess that is Jerry picking.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
It was silly of Tom Cruise to put his best pistol on the highest shelf

He’s too short to reach the top gun

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I hear Tom Brady is very deflated after his loss.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CollapsibleEra
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend Tom and I were walking through an herb garden. I noticed that the bottoms of my shoes were getting scuffed. He said...

These are the thymes that try men's soles.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Princess potato was disowned by the king and queen for marrying Tom Brokaw.

They couldn’t stand that she’d married a commentator

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarterLawler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cariad_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why would Tom Hiddleston wear a hoodie and sunglasses?

He's trying to be Loki

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_Direwolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom Brady may be the best QB in NFL history...

But that subject is very deflatable.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Shiva92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Tom's dad didn't let him sleep last night

He had to prevent the kid napping

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thericheat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you seen the new Tom Cruise movie where he plays an Italian chef?

Mission ImPASTAble

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nick-lachey-lol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel.

The wind tunnel says to him "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fhoxyd22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Tom Cruise
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoneyDune
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Tom Swiftie: β€œWho rounded off the top of this doorway?” Tom said archly.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eroe777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..

Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?

Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..

Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."

Me: *facepalm*

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lockexxv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
🚨︎ report
There's Negative Nancy... Debbie Downer... Chatty Cathy... but where did Peeping Tom come from?

In the bushes, outside the window.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybaby
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
🚨︎ report
"Oh Tom, say my name!"

SMBC dad joke: http://smbc-comics.com/comic/say-my-name-2

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syllogism19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
🚨︎ report
My buddy: "Just picked up a Tom Jones vinyl for $4! Hell yeah." Me: "That's not unusual."
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amoore109
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My Daughters Have Tom Clancy Themed Rap Names

I have two daughters, Claire (5) and Maren (1.5). When they were born, one of my first duties as dad was to give them rap names. After much brainstorming and deliberation I chose Claire and Present Danger and then to keep with theme, Mare Force One.

Could I have done better?

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you know Tom Brady can go longer than anyone without pooping?

He's a five-time Super Bowel champion.

Edit: Five-time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hew3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Fifty "Tom Swifties" slatestarcodex.com/2015/1…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aegeus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Peeping Tom (X-post from r/cats)
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smarmanda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
How does Tom Hanks sign off on a package?

T.hanks

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCommannder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear? Tom Hiddleston is dating Taylor Swift

Don't tell anyone else though, they're trying to keep it Loki

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xanothis23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Remember Tom Swifties? imgur.com/gallery/GZA9jsU
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarjar420
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
🚨︎ report
I learned today that Tom Brady first got to play in an NFL game because the previous quarterback suffered an injury causing internal bleeding

I suppose you could say he got to play because Drew bled so.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad loves Tom Clancy books and I told him that he passed away...

He replied, "I hear the Russians are behind it."

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ham_commander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joke found in the Tom Hanks AMA
πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicTuxedo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
🚨︎ report
What is it called when someone kidnaps Tom Petty

Petty theft

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Badtaste92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2012
🚨︎ report
So my dad met Tom Selleck and sends me this dad joke
πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonofodin12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
If Tom Waits ever records a cover of "For No One" by Paul McCartney / The Beatles...

...some people might mistake it for a cover of a Rolling Stones song.

I wanted to post this in /r/Showerthoughts but they have a rule against puns. :(

The Rolling Stones song I'm referring to is this one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emanresol
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
"Measure twice, cut once," tom remarked
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/portlandfoo13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Saw this flavor at my local Tom Thumb, thought y'all would enjoy.

http://i.imgur.com/CAtDJYm.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L0Brau
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2015
🚨︎ report
I hear Tom Hiddleston is in the background of one of the scenes in Avengers 2

It's quite a low key appearance

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wigglesface
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2015
🚨︎ report
"Serenity Now!" Tom screamed, malcontentedly waiting for his favorite show to start.

Feel free to join us over at /r/TomSwifties if this sort of masochism works for you!

Meanwhile... .
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
.
"I think I'm becoming a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead earnest.
.
"Now I can do some painting," said Tom easily.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchGoodwin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2012
🚨︎ report
Tom's Swifties... Wicked.

"There are no two's in this deck." Tom de-deuced. "You're burning the candle from both ends." Tom said wickedly. "I dropped my toothpaste." Tom said Crestfallen.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2012
🚨︎ report
β€œI have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deanosuprema
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FYF69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report

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