Toilet Paper Roll Puns

To get to the bottom

My response: "144? That's a gross"

Shits just got real.

They're always getting ripped off.

Life would be pretty shitty without it

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

Multiply

He said, "[Son]... You need to get your shit together."

He gave me the roll.

It got stuck in a crack.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!

An empty toilet paper roll.

So I was checking out at the store with my girlfriend. All I bought was toilet paper and bacon. The cashier scans my two items and says with a straight face: "it's no wonder you have a girlfriend. You're rolling in the paper AND bringing home the bacon."

Definitely made me laugh, and he just went about his business like he never made the joke at all.

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

She rolled up some toilet paper and put it in her nose. Me: Is it that time of the month already? Her:...? Me: Because of the tampon. Her: (rolls eyes) Me: Guess that's nose sex for a weak, eh? Her: Oh shut up!

Girlfriend: "How are we almost out of paper towels?"

Me: "You use way too many of them. It'd take me a month to use a roll by myself."

Girlfriend: "That's gross. I bet you think toilet paper would last that long too."

Me: "Of course."

Girlfriend: "You're so full of shit."

Me: "You're right I'd still go through a lot of toilet paper. You know why?"

Girlfriend: "Why?"

Me: "Because I'm full of shit!"

Girlfriend: Groan and eye roll

A friend and I were lamenting how we're both broke at the end of this month. She, a girl with many allergies, ran out of Kleenex (tissue paper) and began using her last toilet paper roll to blow her nose.

"Now, the game begins," she said.

I replied, "Is it perhaps... a race to the bottom?"

My parents were coming over for dinner, and about thirty beforehand I realize I am out of toilet paper.

So I texted my dad...

ME: Hey pops, can I borrow a roll of toilet paper? I forgot to grab some after work yesterday.

DAD: You can have have a roll. I don't really want it back.

I don't know how he does it.

My husband walks in the living room, holding a roll of toilet paper. He is staring at it intently, turning it over and over. Finally my son bites and says, "what are you doing?" My husband responds with, "I was just thinking, toilet paper, that's gotta be a shitty job." Then he smoothly walks out of the room.

To get to the bottom

To get to the bottom!

To get to the bottom

To get to the bottom.

It wanted to get to the bottom.

To get to the bottom!