My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.

"That shit is getting old," I told him.

PS: Do I get any extra credit if this is a real story?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cja1968
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Why did Captain Kirk flush the brand new toilet?

Because William Shatner

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marycartlizer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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For those hoarding mouthwash: Remember that you should never flush Listerineยฎ down the toilet.

It's an anti-septic.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PotBuzz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I donโ€™t

I donโ€™t want to see that shit

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fill-Chapo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Bob Dylan bought a watch made of a toilet flush and Bombay Sapphire.

The times they are a chain gin.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Why did the soldier flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Liquid5n0w
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.

Now it's clogged.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2019
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As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush (good horror movie titles, btw)...

It's plumb crazy, but I have pipe dreams!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Never flush a snake down the toilet.

Itโ€™ll just come back to bite you.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ollydudman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Why did the superhero flush the toilet

Because it was his doody!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/harperph17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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How does Chuck Norris flush the toilet?

He doesn't, he scares the living shit out of it

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chezpoof
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Every time I flush the toilet...

Shit goes down

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/1insevenbillion
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2017
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What do you get when bloods and crips donโ€™t flush the toilet?

a whole lotta gang shit

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jnnx3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
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I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.

Because a flush always beats a pair.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NintendoNerd101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
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I only buy the really good toilet paper when I'm feeling flush.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RUSTY_LEMONADE
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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My son flushed one of his shoes down the toilet, stopping it up...

It was a clog.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Coach Butt pushed his team The Doodies into the Toilet Bowl. But, his team was playing like crap after a heavy load. And even though Coach knew his #1 was flushed, he pointed at him and said...

Urine.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Buschman98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Did you hear about the guy that flushed himself down the toilet?

It was sewercide.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/0_IceCold_0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?

It was a #2!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SincerelyAshDorf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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What did the guy tell the plumber when the toilet was flushing too fast?

"There's some shit going down in here!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JacobDoesStuff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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TIL some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet

That must be a shitty phobia to have

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zjl539
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
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I run out of toilet paper...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dirt_T
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Up
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aayudhghosh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Threw up
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BanAllPineapples
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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I replaced the handle on the toilet today!

Me: I replaced the handle on the toilet today!

Teenager: (Sarcastic) And aren't you proud of it?

Me: Flushed with success.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/h2g2_researcher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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No telling what was in there

We had a friend in town this weekend whose flight was this afternoon, so she was staying at the house for a while after my wife and I left for work. About halfway through my commute I was overtaken by a terrible sense of dread and panic that I forgotten to flush the toilet and our friend was going to come face to face with a semi-fresh dookie when she went to the restroom.

I was so mortified at this that I preemptively texted her to warn her and requested that she please, for both our sake's, flush the toilet prior to lifting the lid. We may never know whether I needed to send that text-- it was a real Schrodinger Scat situation.

This is sort of a TIFU, but I have no idea if I actually did and I'm not sure she would have the heart to tell me anyway.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LapTrap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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My boyfriend used my shower last night...

Me: "So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it."

Boyfriend: "I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lovekelly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2016
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Dad-joked by a toilet

For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.

Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.

Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.

The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:

"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/txgsync
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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Teaching my 11yo son the Pythagorean theorem today.

A plane takes off from an airport in a diagonal ascent for 8km. 5km from the liftoff point a passenger flushes a turd down the toilet. Right then a farmer with a pair if binoculars watching the plane from directly underneath the aircraft sees the turd jettisoned, and exclaims. That's a high pot in use!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vmlinux
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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I dadjoked my 8 year old step daughter yesterday.

With most 8 year olds, they forget to do normal things due to their attention span.

Yesterday was no exception.

After she took a shower I went into the bathroom and noticed she left her towel on the floor and also noticed, to my own disgust, that she forgot to flush the toilet which still had a fresh "brownie" inside.

I went over to her and this conversation went down.

Me: "Hey dear, can you go to the bathroom and pick up your towel and flush the toilet, please?"

Her: "Oh yea! Sorry, I totally forgot!"

Me: "You mean you TURD-ally forgot!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mchootin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Toilet trouble

Me: "Dad, the toilet won't flush again"

Dad: "Ahh.. its such a shitty toilet"

He is right though.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DingoMyst
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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Wooden plumbing issues

I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.

Now it's clogged. :D

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/capngloval
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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