A list of puns related to "Toe Jokes And"
The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.
We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.
Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.
But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.
I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
You might even say I'm...lack toes intolerant.
(Is this a dad joke? The gf is pretty baby crazy lately and i dont know if im ready yet)
So naturally I said, "What about Knees and Toes?"
Got him with the reverse-dad joke.
My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.
"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."
At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"
He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"
I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.
He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"
But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"
Hah! Gotem!
Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:
I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.
At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.
Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.
A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.
TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."
My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.
A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:
Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)
Mom: OMG. Bad.
Sister: Ew. Lol.
Sister: http://giphy.com/gifs/jar-AuSAduPrXkDgk
Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"
Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!
Sister: You need a nap.
Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!
Mom: OMG
Sister: Ha!
"Joke" #1 (from my brother-in-laws father in law...actually, it's not a joke, but it deserves to be here.)
BIL'sFIL: What about an elbow truck? Everyone else: ??? BIL'sFIL: You know, instead of a toe-truck?
Joke #2 from my Father in-law, (while discussing how my brother-in-law and brother-in-law's father in-law "bonded" over a movie.)
FIL: Did they use a strong glue?
I asked my son (3) what he was eating, and he says "Ed a mommy" (Edamame).
I of course respond with "No, that's da mommy!" and point to my wife.
That was terrible, So I set up a much better one. I told my wife that our friend Kevin had recently had a girlfriend, but he broke up with her when he found out she was missing three toes. She was shocked that Kevin would be so shallow.
I told her, "Didn't you know Kevin was Lack Toes Intolerant?" The kids did not understand why we were laughing so hard. I think my wife wanted to throw something at me.
I love terrible jokes.
My sister posted about loving my little ponies, and we got on the topic of rainbow horse poop jokes. My dad just pops in with this:
Dad - I can't think of one right now. I do, however, have a poem that is somewhat related: (first assume standard high-class poetry recitation position; head high, chest out, hands clasped behind back, heels together, toes @ 180 degrees, knees slightly bent): "In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented; they left their load beside the road, and went away contented."
Found this on Tumblr.
thisismedisappearing: I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed “mOTHERFUCKER” and then my dad poked his head out of the livingroom and said “you rang?” jungwildeandfree: hats off for the ultimate dad joke
From: http://oliverwdahl.tumblr.com/post/75540406434/jungwildeandfree-thisismedisappearing-i
Son, in a silly voice: "I'd like another piece of matzah with cream cheese and a-vo-ca-TOE."
Me: I don't think avoca's have toes, ha ha ha.
Son: ....
Me: I was just joking around. It's really "a-vo-ca-DO."
Son: Avoca's don't have dough, either.
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