Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Today I learnt what Yoda was short for,
Because he's got little legs.
I got fired today because a customer wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese....
I told them we only accept cash.
Today is the day I can post it
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
Someone tried to sell me a coffin today
I said that's the last thing I need
I asked my son today “Why do you always sing to your corn on the cob before eating it?”
His explanation was music to my ears.
Today's label making craft was inspired by the OG spicy boi himself, Bruce Willis.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Wasn't really planning on laughing today, til I saw this!! xD
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
I tried catching fog today...
I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....
I'm feeling like such a good boy.
I confronted a mime today.
He did unspeakable things.
Thank you for the awards. You made my day 😃
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
I sold my vacuum today.
Why?
It was collecting dust.
I had a game of quiet tennis today.
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
I saw a cow today that wouldn’t stop smiling
I guess he was just in a good mood
The man who invented velcro died today :(
Wild Falcons live to be about 13. So all the Falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st Century.
They're Millennial Falcons
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
May the Fourth be with you! Today’s Argyle Sweater, 5/4/21
The guy at my workplace whose haircut looks like a mushroom got fired today
An ice cream van crashed in the street today
The whole area is coned off.
Someone called me lazy today.
Sometimes Sundays are really sad, but I noticed today that they are never the saddest of the week
The day before is always a sadder day
Made this today (My British friends approved)
A bit morbid but hilarious. This happened earlier today.
My son had never heard of the store “Buy Buy Baby” (an American chain of stores for products for babies, similar to “Babies R Us”). I can’t remember exactly why I brought it up, but I mentioned the store to my wife (I think we were reminiscing on shopping there for our kids).
My son overheard me say it, and he asked if it was some sick name for an abortion clinic.
As in “Bye bye baby.”
So stupid but I can’t remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did. I can’t stop replaying it in my head and laughing.
Today, I told my son about a book I was reading. It was on how to discharge electricity
He asked me for the name. I told him that the book was called
"Kil-a-watt"
My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?
Proud dad moment happened today!
My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said “that’s a nice car huh?” And he replies “what car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.
I broke a finger today.
Well, on the other hand, I'm okay.
I became friends with a mushroom today...
I got some butter today from my friend's cow, but it tasted just like my own!
I called it my butter from another udder.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
My wife got really mad at me for stabbing a vampire to death today
I guess I was supposed to give them candy because it’s “Halloween”
I ordered a build-your-own pet online today.
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