When you're talking with your Spanish-speaking friends, be sure to say "mucho" as often as you can.
I hate it, when people hear me talking about Star Trek and think, it's appropriate to say: "may the force be with you".
Like really, if you're not able to name a single team member of SG-1, just shut your mouth!
Do you know why pepper does not like to be mixed with salt?
Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid
Someone replies to a post on the internet that he agrees with by saying: You be spitting fax
The op responds: I actually prefer sending emails
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
You don't want to be a chimney sweep with me?
Alright then, soot yourself.
If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,
wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.
I was talking to my friend about depression and he told me... "It could be worse...you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water"
What lawyer did Darth Vader use to get his kids back? (May the 4th be with you!)
Why do you want to be friends with a mushroom?
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"
"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
What do you call someone with large nipples who used to be a reporter?
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaaaad!! Can't you just be serious for once?! Why does everything have to be a game with you!?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear!! But next time, please use the buzzer!!”
What do you call a mushroom that’s fun to be with?
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
Her: I’m done with you. You are way too old to be obsessed with being a tennis umpire!
Me: I’m only forty, love.
If you want to be wise with your money, don't buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.
At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.
Kid: I'm going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say "Hi Frank, I'm Dad!" I'm gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down,
as I can no longer make hens meet!
What do you call a candy which doesn't like to be with others?
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
I went out hiking with a friend once but was drastically unprepared, I was shivering. He said to me, you must be a dwarf from South America
Because you're looking a little chilly
Doctor: I can’t seem to find what is wrong with you. But it could be the excess alcohol consumption.
Man: No worries. I’ll come back when you are sober.
My 2 year old is playing with Lego and I said "are you going to be an engineer?" my wife says we always need more engineers!
I said "yeah, engines are quite deaf"
To be frank with you,
Hi, my name's Frank. What's yours?
Wife told me “Tonight, you’ll be able to see Uranus with the naked eye”
I replied that all I need is a mirror...
What do you give a guy with a cold that is pretending to be a government agent?
If you want to learn how to rave, it can be taught with Es.
Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said "Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands?"
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
My dad is Irish, whenever you tell him something like "be careful with that powertool" or "don't forget to water the garden" he will respond with..
What do you think I am? Irish
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?
My best friend keeps telling me to “cheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?!”
I shouted, “An excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”
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