My daughter was pretending to be a poorly butterfly, my wife said β€œcan’t you fly”…

My response… β€œI can’t believe your just butter”

Groan.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2022
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A man who loved to catch butterflies married the woman of his dreams:

Annette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unfussed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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If I had butterflies, then I wouldn't have to buy it a the store anymore.

A little rough but becoming a dad takes time. http://imgur.com/qT0gqi2

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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why did the man throw the butter off the cliff

Because he wanted to see a butterfly....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bears_R_awsum
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2022
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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden

When I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don’t get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "Nice try".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickNanu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Do you know Kris Alice?

She used to be a caterpillar, but now she’s a butterfly.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Daughter had a balloon with a penny in it.

So, for Easter, my wife and I got our 2-year-old an array of balloons from a delivery service, including some pre-inflated pieces you could β€œbuild your own butterfly” with, etc. It was pretty cool, but coolest of all was this clear balloon pretty tightly inflated with a single penny in it, and if you shook the balloon enough, the penny would eventually find its way to circling the inside of the balloon.

Those balloons lasted for weeks, until today. If you’ve ever seen a clear balloon deflate, you know it gets a little yellow and opaque.

My wife found it laying around and brought it to me, saying, β€œThis looks like a condom with a penny in it.” And I said, β€œThat’s why they call it a money shot.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dormsta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I was eating garden fresh broccoli with my family.

After being the only one who ate some, I noticed that there were two dead caterpillars on the plate, meaning I likely ate a few of them in the broccoli before noticing.

My fiance, as soon as I told no one else to eat the broccoli because caterpillars, immediately spoke up and said, "Are you nervous about eating those? Because I'm sure your going to have butterflies in your stomach about it later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordbearhammer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2016
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My mom got really upset when I threw our butter out of my window

I just wanted to see a butterfly

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Boyfriend was on a roll with the dad jokes today.

He was going through my box of strange things and had some interesting commentary.

Found an owl ring, asked, "Do people ever ask who gave it to you?"

Saw that my butterfly necklace was broken, asked, "Does that bug you?"

Was giving me tic tacs out of a container, gave me four and I said I only wanted two. "Sorry guys, guess it just wasn't mint to be."

He chuckled at himself for awhile after these.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suckish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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Some nice dad jokes at Benihana last night

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

  • Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

  • When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

  • While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

  • He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

  • Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msim
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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This dadjoke gracefully emerged from its cocoon...

I mention that my friend's parents are engineers at Caterpillar.

Dad: If they work there for a while, maybe they will finally get promoted to work at Butterfly!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guess_my_password
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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Why did she throw the butter out of the window?

Because she wanted to see a butterfly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amithothunk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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I threw butter out a window.

I wanted to see a butterfly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canes24
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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