Husband "my sediments exactly"
I knew he was full of schist.
I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.
:3
“Do you have a bookmark?”
I said, “Yes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave.”
Well damn
I mean, how low can you go?
When I got him out, the game said "Achievement unlocked: Freedom of the press"
But I only got 20% off.
“Is that a fret?”
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡I told her he was just trying to get lucky.
🎵Ooooh Can of Duff...🎵
So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. We’re talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc. Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said “look at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is!” Without missing a beat I said, “Welcome, to Giraffic Park!” And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.
But I bet ya’ll have already Reddit.
She wasn’t happy when I drove her to the gas station.
What a re-leaf!
Because people were complaining that a lot of jokes here weren't really H appropriate
snow little feet.
... And it was a pretty dirty move to make.
Good thing it's waterproof.
A where-wolf.
It was a wake-up call for me
What do we want? Race car noises! When do we want them? NEOWWWWWWWW
https://preview.redd.it/9x3iobfdk4781.jpg?width=480&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b11c197d66e11443ffba45dd5d79e9cef75f451a
She didn't make any cents.
But I feel that would just be a big step backwards..
Guess I found The Police Station.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
It means a lot
He's still assembling his cabinet.
...that I won"
Because they love giving commands.
I tell you it don't matter, even if you put peanut butter on the bread too, you just can't make a decent sandwich with it. Got no taste.
I told her, "Woman, don't buy that KY jelly anymore!"
Then it dawned on me
I said, well thats what I call Swiss engineering.....
I told it, are too, D2!
