My wife showed me a picture of some jeans she’s thinking of buying and asked me if I thought she could pull them off

Oh, i’m sure you could, I said, but I don’t think they’d look good on you.

*true story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tarkuspig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Me, thinking about the purpose of life. Wife stares at me like I said something wrong.

Me: was I unmuted?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3kker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Looking at a bottle of Molasses got me thinking...

What do they do with the rest of the mole?

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StimpyMD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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The wife's just told me that she's thinking of going as a cloud this Halloween.

"Surely you can't be cirrus?" I said to her.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Me: What should we do about the sleeping arrangements during our holiday? Her: I was thinking of...
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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I own a rabbit farm, but I want to get rid of them. The thing is, I don’t know how to do it, so I was thinking I should call someone to help me with that. Then I thought to myself:

A magician should do the trick.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heisy123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Me: "I'm thinking of going to Pepperdine."

Dad: "Why not go to saltdine? It's much cheaper."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnoSideboard
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Help me! I can't stop smoking, drinking alcohol, and gambling. Worse, I can't think of the word that describes this problem!

Worst of all, people keep saying, "You're a dick, Ted" -- Ted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiznaibus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2022
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I saw a pair of midgets arguing in the kitchen and it made me think about that old saying...

Two mini cooks spoil the broth.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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This sub has just made me sit around all day trying to think of dad jokes

Then I realized I can just read some here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jitney76
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2021
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Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limechic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Help me think of a pun?

We have a family reunion coming up. A few years ago we made t-shirts that said "No cross words at the Smith Family reunion" and had everyone's names in a crossword. For the life of me I can't think of anything to put on this year's shirts. Open to any and all suggestions 😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incomingidea
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2021
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This tow truck company made me think of you all on the way home tonight.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexisO87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2021
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*True Story* Was walking into a local bar for an afternoon of day drinking when I accidentally hit my head on a low hanging tree branch. I told my girlfriend, "That tree just just assaulted me!" She thought she was being witty replied "The tree thinks you assaulted it...."

I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sl33nky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2021
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Guys, I think I know how you can cure me of the dad jokes.

Give me the anecdote.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fisher989
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
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Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hind sight is 1.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't think of a title, let me sleep on it.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vallisneria_A
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...

I said, "Oman!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
After a long hike to the top of a mountain, my wife asked me, β€œSo what do you think of The View?”

I said, β€œWhoopi Goldberg is ok, but I don’t like the other women on the show.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Compromising with my teenage daughter

My daughter is 14 and has been asking for a nose ring for a while now. She thinks she will wear me down but she is wrong (this time). She was out shopping with my wife today... this is how our conversation went.

Daughter: Dad, what if your christmas present was to just let me get my nose pierced with a tiny cute lil" sparkle??!!

Me: No. You have plenty of holes in your ears ( 3 each πŸ™„, not my idea ) Buy a nose ring and put it in your ear hole if you need to. We'll call it a "near" ring. πŸ˜‰

Daughter: U R Not funny.

Me: Kinda funny? 😁

Daughter: No.

In summary: I was/am so proud of myself that I thought I would share. 🀣🀣 Hope you enjoy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steampunk_Junky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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I am Anti-vax

I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.

You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.

It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
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Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy

but it was all just smoke and mirrors.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Have any good mushroom puns? Also if you can help me finish "You are like a Truffle"

Her card is entirely mushroom based and one of the lines i got offline is

You are like a truffle hard to find and incredibly valuable. I want to change the hard to find part.

Here are some puns I already have

Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say; I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffle; hard to find and incredibly valuable. You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.

I want to use the word "fungimentally" and "sporatically" if possible too haha let me know if you have any extras to add!

edit:grammar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ainmusaideora1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Help me think of spice puns please!

I love y’all but I jut don’t have thyme to think about them but please curry on without me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VvGalaxyvV
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Help, can someone help me make my elevator pitch more interesting, and can anyone think of a good Egyptian related pun to put as an opener?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScareOdin00608
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If you can think of a better fish pun than me

Then let minnow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I have seen a lot of NSFW jokes on this sub recently. If you can't tell a joke to your kids, it's not a "dad joke" it's just a pun.

They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!

Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<

>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<

>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<

Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0wnVoteMe_PLZ
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
🚨︎ report
*sighs* You know what melancholy flowers make me think of?

Melons and cauliflowers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djam109
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan…

Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, β€œGood morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”

β€œOkay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”

β€œNo, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”

β€œOh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. β€œ

Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying β€œI think this will suffice.”

Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says β€œthis is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, β€œBob can you come in here for a second?”

β€œWhat’s up Patty?” The manager asks.

β€œKermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

β€œOf course” Bob responds. β€œIt’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waddles113
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2022
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My son asked me to tell him a boat joke. I said, "I can't think of any, but...."

"Canoe?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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It’s 4:30am and my 2 year old is sitting on my lap and we are watching Mickey’s Clubhouse for about the two billionth time.

I don’t remember the exact episode but everyone was getting ready for a dance. In my half awake, why can’t we watch something, anything else state, I start thinking, if Mickey and Minnie had kids, they be mice. Donald and Daisy, ducklings. But what kind of kids would Goofy and Clarabell have?

Then it hit me, Bulldogs!

When my wife eventually woke up I told her the joke and she groaned and left the room.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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Moment of pride as my almost 4yo daughter made up her own joke (or at least one she hadn't been taught).

My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;

What do ducks eat? Quackers

What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.

She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;

Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;

I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?

Coz he was a baaaad boy.

Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nstiger83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me I look like Rick Astley. I think this vid of me says otherwise...

https://youtu.be/fC7oUOUEEi4

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timbojj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Sister comes into my room,

Sister: Hey what are you listening to?

Me: Oasis

Sister: okay (leaves)

I wonderwall you think of this joke?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingercubunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
🚨︎ report
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was upset at me because she thinks 'I have no sense of direction.'

So I packed my suitcase and right.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ye think it be Rrrrr, but me first true love was of the C.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space-Kommunist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends tell me that sometimes I can be too talkative. They think I make a lot of unnecessary comments

But...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Calcium
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't think the police would convict me for robbery until I saw the briefcase full of the money

In that case, they had evidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a dadjoke?

I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.

I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.

Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.

My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.

I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.

Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossta42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to pop a pimple on my bald head, but according to her 'It won't be ready until tomorrow'...

So I told her she needed to think like one of those Californian farmers and harvest it before it's ripe so it'll hold during shipping.

She just gave me the typical teenaged narrow-eyed smirk and said 'What's wrong with you!?'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taladan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2022
🚨︎ report
I know some of you might think you're hopeless romantics, but trust me, this says otherwise. [Spoiler]
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJPsalm139
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Part of me thinks cognitive dissonance can be a useful coping mechanism

... but another part of me disagrees.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawn317
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report

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