After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...

So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashscar14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Two corn stalks are standing in a field. One leans over to the other and whispers, β€œHey I gotta tell you something, you got a minute?” The other corn stalk says...

β€œSure, I’m all ears.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caferreri11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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The first rule of Chinese whisper club...

...is won't stalk a doubt pine trees blisters plug.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slightly76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Was flying over the Netherlands on a trip to Europe with my dad leans in all very seriously and whispers...

Where do Gerbil go on vacation?

Hamsterdam

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/World_Chaos
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
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A Funeral

A woman is at her husband’s funeral, and asks some friends of her late husband up to the podium to say some things honouring him.

Man 1 walks up to the podium, and says one word: β€œPlethora.” He steps down and walks by the widow, who says: β€œThanks; that means a lot.”

Man 2 now goes up to the podium, and says β€œBargain.” Then, as he leaves the podium and walks by the widow, she whispers to him: β€œThanks; that means a great deal.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiNumbskull
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Did you hear about the pessimistic horse whisperer?

He was a real neigh sayer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NakedWaldo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Get it..!?πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dancing-yoda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"

They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis."

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
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My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

β€œDaddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.

β€œGuess how old I’ll be next month?”

β€œI don’t know, honey.” I said as I slipped on my glasses. β€œHow old?”

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

It’s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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The Beatles looked out for eachother in preschool

"What is the second letter of the alphabet?" The teacher asked Ringo. But Ringo wasn't sure.

But because Ringo had found himself in a time of trouble, John came to him and whispered words of wisdom

"Letter B"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwrk92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Why did the Horse Whisperer have a reputation as a pessimist?

Because he was a famous neigh-sayer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pomegranate2012
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My two year old in the tub

Looked at me and said "Pop!..." I assumed he was prompting me to sing, so I finished "goes the weasel!" Instead, he looked at me, smiled, and whispered. "No. Pop goes the waffle."

He got his bedtime toaster waffle snack that night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenjaminKorr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Simon is in the school play and invites his parents, who don't think he'll be very good.

Halfway through the play, a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Don't worry' Simon's dad whispers to his mum 'it's just a stage he's going through!'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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An old cowboy and his horse

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.

Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.

He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."

A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.

Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"

The cowboy says "I had to walk home".

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Upon hearing Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer) was getting divorced...

This is from a few years ago, but it's one of my favorite's from my dad:

"So, let me get this straight... he can train all these other dogs, but he can't keep his one bitch in line?"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebirth369
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Me and my wife were on the sofa last night, getting all hot and steamy..

She whispered in my ear "Shall we take this upstairs"? I replied "Go on then, you grab this end and I'll get the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
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"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

The Waiter whispers: "Quiet down, or everyone will want one"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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I was sitting next to my sister's dog trying to see what she can actually see, as she watched my dad from behind a wall taller than her and a screen door.

Stepsister: "Are you whispering mean things in to her ear." Me: "Nah, I just wanted to see what all she could see from down here. But now I might." Stepsister: "Oh god what have I done." Me: "Thanks for being my devil on my shoulder." Stepsister: "Not something I want to be." Me: "Thanks Sensei."Β  Also Me: * Walks over to my sister's dog, who's still sitting by the door, and get right up to her ear. " Lucy you are adopted"

My stepmom and I both laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeluther1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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My dad's pick-up line recommendation

So I'm having lunch with the family, and a girl walks in with a Google t shirt.

My dad leans in to me and whispers, "You should go ask that girl if she's 'searching' for you..."

Edit: told my dad about the turnout of this post during dinner and he told me he'd turn my Moto X phone into a Moto Ex phone if I kept using it during family meals. Looks like the fun never ends...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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I hope this pun doesn't get band.

So I was at school and the loudspeaker said advanced orchestra was canceled for the day. I whispered to my friend "Dang, they should've told us in advance!" and she threatened to stab me with her pencil.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCCoolbucket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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A mate and I were at a bar one night, when...

... half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, "You're at our table. Get lost. Now."

My mate whispered to me, "Just pretend we're the police".

I thought this was a great idea. But​ >!I only got halfway through the first line of "Roxanne" before they started beating the crap out of us!<

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Today my dad was making the dinner

So I come home today after a hard days work to the sight of my dad cooking the dinner. I walk into the kitchen and ask

"How long is dinner going to be"

He suddenly stops cooking as I hear muffled sounds of laughter. Slowly turning around I can see tears of joy building up in his eyes as he extends his hands about 40cm apart and whispers

"About this long"

Dammit.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BorisJohnsun
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2014
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Court Chester: Cell of the Century

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bradstros
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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My dad can string this joke out forever. I've seen it go for 20 minutes.

A man gets a new job at the zoo.

On his first day, he still doesn't really understand what exactly he's meant to do, just that it involves the Gorillas. He goes and checks in and the manager sits him down to explain.

"Now look," says the manager, "We've been having some troubles lately with our gorilla. He was acting up, getting really agitated with the environment, so we had to send him away. We told the people that enclosure's being repaired, but we're actually looking for a new gorilla - can you do it for us?"

The man is unsure, but he needs the money, so he agrees, puts on a gorilla suit and goes out there. At first he's a bit mopey, so he sits around a lot.

After a couple of days he begins to warp up and eats a couple of bananas and wanders around a little.

Over the course of the next few weeks he becomes progressively more outgoing, moving around, playing in the jungle gym, hollering around and beating his chest. He's a big hit and everything's going really well for him, until one day he's on his monkey bars and getting really into it, but he slips and flies through the air, over the pit, clears the fence and lands in a pile of bushes in the next enclosure.

He is just beginning to pick himself up, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees something in the foliage.

A pair of eyes lock with his.

It moves closer.

He knows this is it.

He begins to pray.

Suddenly the creature leaps and tackles him - the biggest, ugliest lion he's ever seen!

It leans in close.

He can see every gleaming tooth in it's mouth

He can smell the lion's breath

It opens it's mouth

And from inside the lion he hears a whisper.

"Make this good or we'll both lose our jobs."

πŸ‘︎ 659
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
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A classic from my father.

So a man walks into a library, he says to the librarian, β€œ uhh can I get Ham and Swiss on rye? The librarian says to the man, β€œAre you aware this is a library?” The man replies β€œ oh, my mistake. He then whispers β€œCan I get Ham and Swiss on rye?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_tsirhC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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I think my wife is ready to be a dad.

Doc: "Yup you are definitely pregnant"

Wife: "You got to be kid-in-me"

and after the doc (sighs and) leaves, whispers to me.. "Totally birth it"

πŸ‘︎ 401
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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"What does that say?"

It's been about a year since my dad passed away unexpectedly. The grief hits me in weird waves sometimes, but one of the things that ALWAYS brings a smile to my face is a joke he kept going for YEARS.

It started in line at Costco years and years ago:

Dad: [pointing over to a sign in the pharmacy] What does that say?

Me: Hearing aids.

Dad: What?

Me: HEARING AIDS

Dad: WHAT?!

A year or so later, at a charity event banquet, a police officer was speaking...

Officer: ...these funds have helped cover numerous medical expenses for those in need, including vision tests, hearing aids...

Dad: [leans over to me] What did he say?

Me: [whispers] Hearing aids.

Dad: What?

Me: Hearing aids.

Then we both burst out laughing and had to keep it together at this fancy dinner.

My dad did this for YEARS. And was masterful at waiting JUST long enough so that I had forgotten the joke and would fall for it every time. It was basically a years-long dad-joke ambush.

πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steffilarueses
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

&nbsp;

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

&nbsp;

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

&nbsp;

>ThePundits

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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My Dad with the dad joke/pun combo

Me: Dad can you turn the kettle on?

Dad: Sure thing!

(walks to kettle, bends down and whispers)

Dad: Oh Kettle you're so hot...

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orbital9221
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a library and asks, "Can I have a cheeseburger?"

The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man whispers, "Can I have a cheeseburger?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucas_powerglove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me what i wanted from the shop

I replied, "wispa."

He then whispered back, "sorry, what do you want from the shop?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/annabeldale
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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