I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?

Gaseous Clay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumblebeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

πŸ‘︎ 245
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad β€œWhat’s the difference between weight and mass?”

β€œWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.

Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shakes-Fear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joos_monkeyfied
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you find the weight of a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-WigglyLine-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?

Man, I'm thor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....

But it just made it more sluggish......

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukblademan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?

He was hippo-critical

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guamo17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Extrahub
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
In the UK, weights are really expensive,

A 45 kilo kettle bell is 100 pounds!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
There will probably be a surge in weight lifting related injuries since all the gyms have closed.

Everyone will try to pick up where they left off.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMatt88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the book lose weight?

It got its appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_nyonga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Imagine if the Americans started using Kilograms to measure weight.

There would be mass confusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifcarscouldspeak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight....

Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I use the notches on my belt to monitor how much weight I'm losing

Every hole's a goal

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LashGips
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of pants did weight-lifters wear in the 1970s?

BarBell Bottoms

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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How did the Programmer lose weight?

Hey switched to a byte sized diet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the Trump supporter gain weight?

To own the lbs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1b1d
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I bet my friend that i could lose more weight than him within the last month

I lost 10 pounds

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Killer4free
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?

Because it had too many scales

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manly-potato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my weight loss pills........

You'll have nothing to gain.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corn_n_potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
The weight of Powerpoint presentations is measured in diagrams.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/intullektioppilas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The scientist who comes up with the perfect diet plan to lose weight

Should win the Nobelly Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I was watching the news with my son and they said that Elton John has put on so much weight recently, he will have to have pants made specially for him...

I chuckled and said, "So now he'll sing, 'Goodbye normal jeans'!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emzieees
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Over the past 3 years I’ve lost a ton of weight at the gym.

I am now being sued.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kavotch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the beer that helps you lose weight?

It made bud light.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkosgoat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I can't find any of the left-handed weights at my gym.

I can only find right-handed plates, marked by a capital R next to the manufacturer's name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cknight18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
The dieting philosopher stopped losing weight.

He'd hit a Plato.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My Shake Weight came in the mail today!

Boy, was that a mess.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kopo27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2011
🚨︎ report
i want to open a puppy mill store next to the humane society, and sell dogs by weight

i'll call it "Puppies by the Pound"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/relayrider
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Clearing all the weights/workout things from the Nursery to prepare for the baby's arrival

Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jennare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad has been working on his weight and health lately. Today he sent me the following text:

I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my dad about the weight of my laptop

He picked it up, "Wow, that is heavy. You might want to get rid of a few files."

Hah.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidaltamira
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbbell-Door

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?

Because it had too many scales

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manly-potato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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