My kid swallowed Scrabble tiles when I wasn’t looking - now we’re missing all the A’s E’s I’s O’s U’s and Y’s.
His pediatrician said we’ll have to wait for a vowel movement.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
My wife and I took a 1000 mile road trip to see our family. My uncle asked us if we took turns driving on the way up.
I replied, "Yeah. It was too hard to get here in a straight line."
I’m not sure what’s going on in my neighborhood with the trees. We went cycling today and there were trees everywhere and I don’t trust them.
They all seemed kind of shady.
Holmes and Dr Watson went on a tenting trip. After a meal they went to sleep. Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars, I suspect that we will have a clear day tomorrow. Why,what do you see?"
Holmes: "I see that someone has stolen our tent."
My wife came home from the vet and told me our dog has epilepsy. I said we should throw her onto a bed of lettuce. She asked why.
Proud dad moment: I was showing my 11 yr old son how to swap my winter and summer wheels. After he carried them over, and we torqued the lug nuts, he said…
“man, that was tiring”
and then he asked “see what I did there?” A torch has been passed…
My wife and I were at the zoo and a police officer heard us arguing about whether or not our toddler needed a nap. We must have been pretty loud because he came me over and asked what was wrong. I explained our son was refusing to take a nap and he asked if we wanted him to cuff him and
charge him with resisting a rest.
I wanted to sneak away for our wedding, but my wife insisted on a traditional ceremony with all our friends and family. At the reception, we served...
The other day, I was visiting my dad and we decided to take a walk.
Dad pulls out his phone to check the weather app, and says to me, "Surely it isn't going to rain today."
To our shock, his phone replied loudly, "Yes, it will. And don't call me Shirley."
"Sorry son, I left it in airplane mode", dad apologized.
I just got a text on my phone. "Thank you for your application! Unfortunately, we have no vacancies, but we wish you the best of luck and hope that you enjoy fall."
/r/3amjokes/comments/wybp…
I went for a job interview today and the manager says, you’ll start at 45k, and we’ll pay you 85k later.
I told the manager, I’ll start later.
My dog and I spent all day herding a flock of sheep up a steep incline. Just as we reached the peak, one of the sheep near the front slipped and triggered...
I took my wife camping in the woods and we saw a wild pig.
I enjoyed myself, but she said it was a boar.
I came up with a great dad joke on the fly tonight! we are having dinner with family for my wife's birthday, and she asks if I would like a wine
I responded, "no thx, you do enough whining for the both of us".
Her dad love it, I thought ya'll might as well
Edit: I literally make puns 80% of the time and my wife also smiled knowing I was kidding.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
My wife and I had an argument about what we used to call the kitchen implement we'd use to scrape mixing bowls.
It was a lovers' spatula.
We ran out of bread so I had to put the pb and j in my palms
We were at the aquarium and I said, “Kids, check out the chorse!”
My wife: That’s a seahorse.
Me: I know how to spell chorse. I’m not an idiot.
Wifey had long been suffering from heart ailments, and so we were thrilled to know that they finally found a good match for replacement. On the day of the surgery though, she seemed really nervous. So I asked her..
if she was having a change of heart. She was.
True story: Taking my daughter to her music lesson the other day and she says: "Daddy I think I'd like to start another instrument. We have that old violin laying around and I'd like to learn to play. Nothing serious just casually to learn a song now and then.
To which I replied..."So your intention is just to fiddle with it?"
I went on an expedition with a group to the Arctic Circle. Once we reached the North Pole, the guide turned to me and said…
Crap, this is the point of the journey where it all goes south.
(Not a true story, but as a dad I would totally do this.)
My wife and I have not been getting on and we are arguing all the time.
I took off my glasses and told her "I don't even want to see you right now...."
I shouted at my son, "It’s a shame nothing is built in the U.S. anymore! The T.V. we just bought says, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest..."
"I don’t even know where that is!"
I was going to grocery store and my wife handed me a sticky note with some things we needed. Problem is I lost it on the way there.
Now I’m feeling so listless.
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
We were both shaking a bit as I took her out. I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't my first time. When I reached my hand down, I could feel she was already wet. I felt around until I found it and slowly slid my finger in the hole. That's when I knew it for sure.
I was definitely going to need a new boat.
My friend and I were walking down the street when suddenly we came across a one-armed man.
He was pretty scary-looking and it was dark, so I got quite nervous.
Seeing this, my friend calmly said "don't worry about him, he's armless".
Me and my friend were debating about what the best medieval weapon was. I said the Warhammer while he said the mace. Our argument got so heated we haven't spoken to each other in weeks!
Talk about blunt force drama.
For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
My religious girlfriend straight up left me while we were playing disc golf today. I was in the middle of explaining to her about “hyzer shots” and “spin putts” when she bolted…
I should have figured she doesn’t tolerate course language.
I was on a walk with my wife. We looked about the landscape and she said, "I really like the obscured visibility."
I said, "Get the fog outta here."
My wife and I are taking an around-the-world trip. We are going to stop in Finland last.
Because that is where you find the Finnish
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings here." The string waks outside, ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "hey, aren't you the string I just kicked out?" The string replies...
I learned recently that when we are first born and for the first chunk of our lives, we actually have four kidneys.
And then as we age, two of them become adult knees.
My wife and I recently went on a trip to Arizona, but we got into a fight about whether we should go to Meteor Crater or the Grand Canyon.
My friends and I keep track of all the Heath bars we owe each other.
You could say we have a Heath Ledger.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
So my wife and I are DJs and we recently celebrated the arrival of our baby boy.
We decided to name him EricEric.
We were in the car and Arianna Grande came on and I said “I can’t believe her dad owns Taco Bell”. My daughter was surprised and said “really? Who’s her dad?”
Whenever we have too much bread and it’s about to go bad, I make French toast in the morning, which fixes the problem.
I call the meal “bread fixed”
You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
I needed to get away from the city so I visited my grandpa, who is a rancher. We were tending to the cows and I told him I needed advice. He said that we'll talk later, but then turned away and said, "get a long little doggie."
I've been so happy with my dachshund. Best advice ever.
My 10 year old while we’re talking about wrestling and I’m focused on driving: dad, do you know who’s stronger than the rock??
I took my 8 year old girl to the office with me on "take your kid to work day". As we were walking around the office, she started crying and getting very cranky, so I ask her what was wrong.
As my co-workers gather round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"
I work for a candle factory and we’re short of staff - everybody’s on sick leave after the accident
The doctor said it’s professional burnout
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