I went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.

She asked " Hardback? " And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the mean turtle cross the road?

Slowly but surly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthLukas71
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a legless turtle cross the road? 🐒

Take the F out of free and take the F out of way.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VascalDaRascal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months

Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoodwookie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?

A cowabungalow

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeke_Smith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle go to T-mobile

Because he couldn't sprint

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kenjopac
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
"Move it! Yer Turtle-y blocking the road!" v.redd.it/dq9sg5g25l941
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaz_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time we went somewhere to eat, my father would close the menu and say, β€œI’ll take a turtle soup...

and make it snappy”.

I hated eating anywhere with him, now I think it’s funny. Help, I’m turning into my father.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Marcellus-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?

Cashier: Hard back?

Me: yea, with little heads.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OppositeWolf770
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My turtle was upset.. he couldnt afford the new shell-phone
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smilingball
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?

Wheeeeeeeee!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuandaryOfRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we think the turtle is the wisest animal?

Because it has tortoise so much.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/solaricos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What does the snail on the turtle’s back say?

Wheeeeeeeeee!

My daughter told me this one haha!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scathyr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Who do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a crush on?

April, you fools.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nf22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitGouda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked into a bookstore the other day and asked the clerk if they had any books on turtles.

Worker: "Hard back?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Turtles have always been the best teachers

They tortoise everything

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobartcatcafe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmmaTR2002
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the turtle get a boner?

He had a reptile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghastly420666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear of the boy who’s turtle died?

He’s shell shocked

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the most visible kind of turtle?

A sea turtle.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quadnix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t anyone mess with the ninja turtle Raphael?

Because of his sais.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...

... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'

This is a true story, happened today.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzarVC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
We saw a group of turtles on the highway...

Me: "I wonder where they are going."

Him: "They're probably heading to the nearest Shell station."

πŸ‘︎ 464
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burbada
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
🚨︎ report
What would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Master Splinter if they had become brake specialists instead of ninjas?

Master Cylinder

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fubarfrank
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
If the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the SHELL station

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angadb456
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why could the turtle never marry?

He took a vow of shellebacy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slmckay73
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the number one name for a female turtle

michelle

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angrydispatcher
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
After coming back from the vet and finding my turtle needs surgery.

Me: ::starring blankly while eating dinner:: Wife: Are you just shell shocked at the price?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zcamper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you see that the IRS was doing a bunch of audits and found one corporation listed a turtle as their CEO?

Turns out it was a shell company.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stretch85
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
🚨︎ report
A turtle was crossing the road...

...in front of our shuttle bus yesterday, on our way to a Civil War re-enactment. "He's trying to get away from the battle before it begins", said our driver.

Without missing a beat, I quipped "Yeah, he must have heard there was going to be a shelling."

Half-hearted groans were had, and my wife wanted to disappear. Success!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pacmanfan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.

The lady said, "hardback?" I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Turtles have always been the best teachers

They tortoise everything

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hobartcatcafe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back?

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cymyk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell Station.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wafflecopter42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report

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