The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...

That's Irsay.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...

a-reptile-disfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murdock431
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Went to the doctors and complained that I had trouble urinating.

"So, take these pills to cure your waterworks problem, then give me a tinkle." the doctor said.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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What do you call an insect that's in trouble with the law?

A defend-ant

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I had real trouble getting a spoon out of the dishwasher.

How it got stuck up her butt I'd never know.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.

Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fuzzus628
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...

...It was a close call.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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The teacher caught me stirring up trouble in chemistry class...

...so she sent me home with a colloidal suspension.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Why did the egyptians have trouble with acceptance?

Because the were in de-Nile.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Reader91-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b6a6a6l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, "Quick, I think my daughters hamster is in serious trouble".

"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake".

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Why did the hand have trouble using its watch?

It wasn’t digital.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/optimist-prime-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EngineersAnon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Why did the ram get in trouble for insulting the female sheep?

Cause he called her an ew!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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A car battery was arrested by the cops for causing trouble at the bar

But they had to let him go, they couldn’t find anything to charge him with.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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Have you heard about the guy who got in trouble for making a pun at school?

He was Pun-ished

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taha812
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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How did the Figure Skater know he was about to get in trouble?

He was on thin ice.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealStickBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Midget psychic was in trouble with the law

He was small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/379447984
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Daughter is having trouble homeschooling at the moment. "Argh i can't spell today..."

T-o-d-a-y

Boom

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adz1179
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Why are Americans always getting in trouble in the Middle East?

They like the turmoil

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise

No one expects the Spanish ink sedition

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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I was having trouble with my computer, so I contacted IT support. The man said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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How do I know Abraham Lincoln never had trouble with the law?

He's in a cent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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Why did the mammoth get in trouble with the archaeologist for texting the dinosaur?

Because the mammoth was to young to predate the dinosaur.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I relabeled everything in the spice rack at home. I know my wife hasn't realized it though because I'm not in trouble yet

But I know my thyme is cumin

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squagoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I’ve been having trouble with my darts sticking to the board lately...

Got any good tips?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercman99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Parents used to get out the switch when the kids got in trouble, but now they take the kids' switch away.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/W1ldW3st1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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I got in big trouble for the photos I sent to the women at the office.

I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Why did the Corn have trouble getting home

He got stuck in a Maize

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolman965
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said β€˜I lost my brother’. The police said β€˜what is your name’ β€˜shutup’ the police said β€˜what did you say to me’ β€˜shutup’. The police said β€˜are you looking for trouble’ β€˜yep’
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme-for-me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly.

It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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What did the two maple trees get in trouble for when they crossed onto a farmer’s land?

Treespassing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GladMahi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Was having trouble using the Apple Pay reader on the vending machine at work.

Truck driver comes up puts two quarters in for me and says β€œyou young people may have technology, but you don’t have any common cents.” πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€£

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcademicAnxiety
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My mom said she had trouble hitting the high notes in a karaoke song.

She said it was because she was too short and didn't have the right shoes on.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WEEBERMAN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new.

Dad: Maybe he's a trainee.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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The trouble eye scene
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OedipusR3x
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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I almost got in trouble today when I walked out of the store with a wig.

I forgot toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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Despite the fact that Johnny Depp really disappears into his characters, I never seem to have any trouble recognizing him in a movie.

I guess I just have good Depp perception.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adambrantbelcher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the coffee get in trouble?

Because it was NotTea.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/accountnumber3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.

Like, "Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......

.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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The alligator that works at my store is always getting people in trouble

He's a real in-store-gator!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stand_Defiant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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My friend said he always had trouble understanding the plot of the Back to the Future movies, but he finally got it.

It’s about time...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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I relabelled the jars in our spice rack. I haven't gotten into trouble with my wife just yet...

... but the Thyme is Cumin!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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