What’s the best way to trap a polar bear?

First drill a hole in the ice and line it with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole!

(Told to me by my dad at dinner this evening)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megsie72
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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DO NOT spell the word "part" backwards. It's a trap.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_asstronaut_
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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What is the opposite of a β€œBooby Trap”?

Party boob

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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I wanted to know how to build big muscular shoulders. I tried asking a guy with big traps at the gym, but I still have no answer...

...every time I ask him, he just shrugs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mihaaal2481
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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What do you call Kevin sealing the joints of a booby trap?

Macaulay Caulkin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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Me and my dad used to go out and trap together. I would put the bait in, and he would set them. Everytime i did, we got something.

I guess you could call me a master-baiter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schnitzel_voughn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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You won't BELIEVE how the mouse got caught in the trap!

It was click bait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickSmaaaash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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I nearly steppen on a trap door the other day

But I ain't falling for that

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B3tal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Did you hear about the trap house that had a cocaine spill?

there were lines out the door

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queengemini
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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I was getting a rabbit trap off the top shelf in my garage when it fell on my head.

It got caught in my hair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/googie1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Emptied the dryer's lint trap today.

It gave me warm fuzzies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikemol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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They’ve locked down Liverpool John Lennon Airport and all the passengers are trapped inside

Imagine, all the people...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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What do you call the situation when you're trapped in a room full of friendly dogs?

Lickdown

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesallen1977
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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There was a fire in the illegal weed farm which trapped some cows.

The steaks have never been higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Team_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I was trapped between 2 empty shelves when the grocery closed for the evening...

I was stranded in a deserted aisle...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I got trapped in a bidding war for a house because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.

I’m in it for the long hall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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Several miners got trapped but the mining company refused to help them.

One could say the miners got shafted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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My son kept singing the first line to the Spider-Man song over and over. So we took him to the doctor who gave us the bad news:

Our son was trapped in the spider-verse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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What did the scientist yell out to the search party when he was trapped under a sodium chloride rock?

β€œHelp, I’m under a salt!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boombotser
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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What do you call a bear trapped in the rain?

A drizzly bear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrncfnd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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Luck rituals in the Australian Open.

I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.

I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.

Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."

He just smiled...

...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrianBoyko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I called the council today because a family of ducks were trapped in wet concrete.

β€œCan someone come and fix the quacks in the sidewalk” I said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TorchTheRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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Did you hear about the prince who got trapped in a giant balloon?

They had to pop it to let the heir out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShoePolice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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Two lawyers were comparing clients.

The first one claims his client is trapped in a penny. Answering the second lawyer's confused look, he says, "My client is in a cent."

the second lawyer nods, then says, "Well. My client is a fish head steeped in hot water. You could say he's gill tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICWhatsNUrP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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The 'Trapped in the Closet' saga is my absolute weakness....

I guess you could say.... It's my R. Kelly's heel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobodys_darling
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2012
🚨︎ report
Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I watched an amazing nature documentary tonight, it was about the American coyote.

In order to catch its prey it constructed a cunning trap of a grand piano suspended above a target, it then baited the trap with seed and lay in wait for a road runner to pass by.

Very interesting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Saint Patrick’s Day cancelled due to COVID-19

We are very sorry to announce that Saint Patrick’s Day has been cancelled this year due to COVID-19. We are doing our best to keep the leprechauns in quarantine but as you know, they are very tricky and do not like feeling trapped. Everyone please stay safe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littlepips
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I'm a mom, but I love dadjokes. Especially when they involve boobs.

My friend opened the fridge and a bag of pumped breastmilk fell out.

"Oh, sorry!" I said. "The fridge is boobie-trapped!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/busykat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I put plastic on the windows today.

She started tapping on it to feel how much air was being trapped and our kitten started hitting it too.

Her: dying of laughter

Me: "Why are you laughing? He's going to puncture the plastic."

Her: "Because... He's a copy cat!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steevehn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Unsolicited Calls. ‭

‭020 8125 7830‬: Hello, I’m calling about the accident you had in the last two years. Me: Gosh how did you know I trapped my cock in the hotel drawer? ‭020 8125 7830‬: (hesitation) So you’ve had an accident within the last two years? Me: Yes I trapped my penis in the drawer at a Holiday Inn. Now it’s gone a funny colour, and hurts all the time. ‭020 8125 7830‬: (hesitation.....) Click.

BLOCKED.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SiBodoh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
So this happened in bed last night...

My wife came to bed, and as she got into the bed, she rolled over onto my hand. She looked at me and said,

> Looks like your hand is trapped under my boob

to which I replied,

> Looks like my hand has been booby-trapped..

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2016
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I may be in my 20s and single but today I cracked a pretty good dad joke

Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.

A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.

I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.

"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"

"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."

β€”β€”β€”

Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.

Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth_henning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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Arnold Palmer

I was saddened to hear about the passing of Arnold Palmer recently. I'm not a big golf guy, and while he deserves his legacy as a great golfer, he was also an inventor of some note, and I think he deserves some recognition on that front, too. The story goes that while he was on a golf tour in Turkey, he was having a lot of trouble with sand traps there. On the spot, he invented a new type of pitching wedge. He designed it with a broader face, to open up the sweet spot and help get out of traps faster. Sadly, I don't think that he'll be remembered as the inventor of the open-faced Turkey sand-wedge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amberandemerald
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report

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