Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Him: I'm taking the canine for an evening stroll around the neighborhood. Her: Why don't you just say you're taking the dog for a walk?

Dog: * Goes absolutely nuts *

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go for a stroll in the park or go and rob a Chinese cooking store

But I guess either way I'm taking a wok

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pwilly10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2017
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I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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What do you call a Latino strolling down the street?

Joaquin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Finally Pulled One Off in the Wild

Just happened on my walk break.

I was taking a stroll downtown and walked by the county courthouse building. I noticed there was an employee (had a county badge) standing outside on the sidewalk and holding a wall clock. I knew what I had to do. I walked up and asked, "Do you happen to have the time?"

One of my proudest moments, although I'm a faux-pa myself. He enjoyed it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthservo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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A Ham Sandwich Walks into a Bar..

Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'

Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'

Edit; Sorry that this is causing so much controversy in Dad joke world. My Dad literally told me this joke and it totally is a 'Dad joke' in my eyes!

Edit 2 Just want to say some of these comments have had me in bits! Keep them coming Dads! #DadPower

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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An old married couple are taking a stroll in Soviet Russia.

While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says β€œlet’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say β€œOfficer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, β€œbecause Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willdoeswarfair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Ewok walks into a bar

An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, β€œI’ll have a whisky and …… soda.”

The bartender says, β€œSure thingβ€”but why the little pause?”

β€œDunno,” says the Ewok. β€œI’ve had them all my life.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elyas_machera
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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Got my wife while walking the dogs.

We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:

Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."

Wife:"How can you tell?"

Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"

Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind

Edit:Grammar, guh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinBritches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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You know why the call them Menstrual cramps?

Because when a woman gets β€˜em, all the men know it’s time to take a stroll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonbice15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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I've lost a leg because of a pause

Now I know why the farmer was so alarmed when I took a stroll in His Field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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Quite a rich pun

A wealthy man who occasionally dabbled in black-market affairs was strolling through town one day. One of his associates came running up to him with some bad news. "Sir, the shipment from Singapore is late" his associate said. "DO NOT talk to me about these affairs in public you fool!" the wealthy man blurted back. "My apologies, sir. Would you prefer to discuss this in your home?" his associate replied. The wealthy man responded "Yes, please speak to me in the manor to which I'm accustomed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadCorey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Dad walked into my room this morning

A bit of context - our neighbour who lives a floor below us complained yesterday that there was a leak in our flat that was damaging his ceiling and walls; my dad has been frantically searching for it in our bathroom all day

I was browsing reddit when I hear my dad shout: "I've found it! casvanr! I've found the leak"

He then strolls into my room with a smug grin on his face, holding the vegetable

I threw a book at him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casvanr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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Viagra

My whole family was watching TV. As always a viagra commercial strolls along into our TV program. Near the end of the commercial it says, "If you have an erection for longer than 4 hours contact your doctor." Without a moments pause my dad goes, "That line is the best marketing line ever con-COCK-ted

I responded, "knowing you, you probably thought 'long and hard' about that one"

I was so proud, and my dad was too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crispyjay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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My SO got me the other day...

We were taking a stroll through the park and I mentioned I'd like a wok.

He replied with, "But you're already walking."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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Drummer In The Band Had A Clever Joke

The band I'm in was setting up for an outdoor gig in the heat of the late summer afternoon. The drummer (an old guy) said, "Time to pick up my biggest fan!" He strolled over to his car and grabbed a box fan and set it up near his drum set.

I can't believe I took him seriously for a minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2015
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Ham Sandwich walks into a bar..

Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'

Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'

πŸ‘︎ 954
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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