I told her “it’s just a stove, not something to get heated over.”
He threw himself over after suffering from a severe eggistential crisis.
To which I replied..."So your intention is just to fiddle with it?"
they separate characters.
[Had our first kid 3 weeks ago. This joke came to me without warning. It begins.]
Right so there's this farmer yeah and he's obsessed with tractors. His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
Years later he's going on a blind date with a woman he met online. The dates going well when all of a sudden the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone's panicking trying to put the fire out when the farmer stands up and takes a huge breath in, sucking in all the fire and smoke. He runs outside and releases all of the smoke into the air and saves the restaurant. Everyone's amazed at what the farmer has just done as they thank him and go back to their meals. His date sits back down on complete shock and says 'that was amazing how did you do that?!'
The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says 'I'm an ex tractor fan'.
Edit: Title spelling
A truck driver walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You won't believe what happened to me today," he tells the bartender. "I lost control of the rig I was driving and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. After I called and reported the damage I was just waiting on a tow truck when a turnpike crew truck pulls up discharges a bunch of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the toll booth wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour, they had the booth back together and looking as good as new." "That's amazing!" the bartender exclaims. "What the heck was the creamy stuff they were using?" "Well, I had no idea, so I went over and asked the crew chief," the trucker says. "He told me it was tollgate booth paste."
That's not cool at all.
But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
SUFFOCATION.
NO BREATHING.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants “Hey buddy you aware of the steering wheel attached to your crotch?”, the bartender asks “Arrrrr yes it’s driving me nuts” replied the pirate
They're making headlines!
It was legend dairy!
It really took a turn for the wurst.
I thought I was hilarious when I asked “I didn’t know they were serving Thai (tie) food. Nobody got it, wtf was it that obscure a reference?
I told them, "It's okay, I'm sure she's cured by now."
News: In PA a truck carrying 100 monkeys crashed and at least 3 escaped (actual true story today). https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2022/01/21/truck-carrying-monkeys-crashes-pennsylvania/
I'm trying to do something with "simiantaneously" or something about a barrel but I've not nothing...
It’s about two strangers who end up accidentally swapping phone at the airport….so pun could be either about airport (flying/flight) or phones.
Apparently his other hand is all that was left.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely Coinci Dental.
I’ll spare you the details, but it was really sappy.
If it's a boy, he should call him Danephew.
After a minute I said, “Sir, can you hurry up? You’re holding up the car behind you.”
The phone went green, green, green. So I pinked it up and said yellow!!
Me: No, then you wouldn't be able to see me.
Kids: [visible confusion]
Me: I'd be trans-parent.
^(Follow-up: I'm sorry to inform you that the kids perished from complications related to excessive eye rolling.)
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Well well well...
I guess it turned out to be a creepypasta :)
Thankfully no lives were lost but everyone dyed.
I told him I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Took a good like 3 seconds before they realized it. It was amazing!
If it doesn’t sound true then it’s a croc.
The police have nothing to go on
You cannot have your kayak and heat it too.
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
This is due in large part to the strong, powerful hind muscles of the antelope and the fact that houses can't jump.
He told me it originally belonged to his grandfather, and it happened to also be a grandfather clock
I said "well then, it's not just a grandfather clock, is it?"
He asked what I meant
I said "it's a great grandfather clock"
He groaned, but conceded the laugh at the end
Book it.
I told my dad, "I think he just lost his appletite."
Dad asked them angrily to go away, and when they asked him why, he told them:
“I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Guess I should put that story be-hiney.
*from the mind of my 8 year old *
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
A genie tells a man: "I shall grant you 3 wishes"
The man says: "I wish for a world without lawyers"
The genie says: "Done. You have no more wishes"
The man protests: "Wait! You said 3!"
The genie replies: "Oh yeah? Sue me 🙃"
One of the main driving factors in this decision was, in the event of someone saying anything along the lines of “wait, you play violin?” I would be able to respond with “yeah I fiddle around with it.”
I waited eight months, EIGHT. MONTHS. for someone to say to me “you play violin?” Then, it finally happened. It was the perfect setting: five of my coworkers were sitting around a table having drinks after work and one of them mentioned the fact that I have a violin. And there it was, the question, exactly as I had imagined it: “Wait, EmergencyTaco, you play violin?” Months of preparation had led to this and, without missing a beat, I responded “yeah, I fiddle around with it.”
He replied “Oh. That’s cool.” And then the conversation shifted. Not one of them got it. I spent $600 for nothing. Nothing but crushing disappointment.
I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."
It really lifted my spirits
