Stay tuned.
Woodn't you like to know
Because being stuck with the land of the Angles is obtuse
I go Tuesdays and my wife takes Thursdays
..for spilling the beans.
I try to keep it lowkey.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
Sir Reptitious
I can’t tell you how much this means to me
Donatello
Immortali-tea
The first rule of bite club is do not talk about bite club.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
It's Gsus
....is telling people that you're older.
She told me she cantaloupe.
Well why would I tell you
Tom Hiddleston was on the radio earlier saying he couldn't reveal anything about his new TV series.
He has to keep details Low-key...
Horse code
[deleted]
I said, "Sure, why not?"
I have to say they have a great underground scene.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me
You look for the fresh prints!
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
The FDA says to listen carefully when you open the jar because the tainted mayo neighs.
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
Is what the mailman keeps telling my son.
There are too many ears.
...but then I decided to let it slide.
it's Hans free now..
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
They were Inca hoots.
That was the punchline
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Oops, wrong sub.
Attire
handshakes
But Patrick is the star.
But there is one that makes me KG.
The no bell prize.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
It's Gsus
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
