After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
The past, present and future walk into a room.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
A pun enters the room, ten people get killed.
The headline?
PUN IN: TEN DIED
When my girlfriend told the room that she was going to make coffee her dad said, “no, in the Bible, it says that the man always makes the coffee...”
Haven’t you read Hebrews?
How do you call a dinosaur that works in the operation room?
Everyone at my therapist’s office hates it when I stand on one corner of the room and blow air at people.
What did Donald Trump say when his wife chucked a plate across the room
The secret service has a new protocol if there's a threat in the room with the president
They used to yell down. Now it's
"Donald duck!"
The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
If you're American in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom?
What’s a ghost’s least favourite room in the house?
The living room!
My 9-yr old son just told me this out of nowhere whilst I was cooking, and I couldn’t be more proud of him!
My 7 year old son is remote learning and I walked into the room to find him logged into his class with his back facing the computer screen. I asked, “what are you doing?”
He said, “I’m back to school!”
Trying not to mention the favourite part of my living room here
I think I've done well sofa
What's purple and is sitting in the corner of the room?
Why was the plane sent back to his room?
By slinging gobs of congealed dairy fat across the room I discovered
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself
They must be a little patient.
What's the room that nobody can enter?
What do you call the situation when you're trapped in a room full of friendly dogs?
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
I thought I won an argument with my wife on how to arrange the dining room furniture
But when I got home the tables were turned.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbbell-Door
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
How do you feel about the movie, "The Room?"
My wife told me we didn’t need the surround system for our living room I bought...
I told her it was a Sound Investment.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
When my wife complained I was taking too long to paint the living room I told her she was worse than the warden in Shawshank.
She said “well just paint it, Red”.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Dad walks into the dinning room where his wife and two children are eating. He is holding a full lint catcher from the dryer when he says to them:
I was awed first time I saw the room full of computers and servers...
It was such a pristine LANscape.
I hired the Rolling Stone dercorators to style my room. They did a terrible job.
They just painted it black. I couldn't get no satisfaction with it.
My vision was light blue walls but I guess I always can't get what I want.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
I was trying to ask my friend when her birthday was and she kept forcing me to walk around the room
Every time I ask, she tells me to march first.
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, “Well? 2B or not 2B?”
Two prisoners are working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom.
The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window.
The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
A realtor showing a house to a couple says: “This is the sun room.”
The man goes, “Ok great, now where do I put my daughters?”
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
The honorable baker walked into a room full of rolls
"All rise."
The baker said humbly, "you don't need to do that." The rolls responded:
"It's the yeast we can do."
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
A half man - half horse walks into the room
He was the Centaur of attention :)
It in the CORNer of the room
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.
I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
Why is the corner of the room very hot?
Because it’s at 90degrees.
What did the butt say when he left the room?
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
what did the pancreatic cancer say to the lung cancer after the lung cancer told him to clean his room?
My coworker keeps yelling about the tray of leftovers in the staff fridge stinking up the break room...
I finally snapped and told him to just put a lid on it
The hotel room I’m staying in is a gross place
I tried to get a room at the library hotel
But everything was booked.
Why did the breath freshener turn red and run out of the room?
It had a large amount of embarrass-mint.
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Once my little boy stopped loving tractors, he started to really suck the air out of the room.
He became an extractor fan.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What did April say when playing tag in the laundry room?
May tag. You are it.
Am a dad but never had an original thought before this so here's my first submission.
Have you heard about the dog that can design living rooms?
He is an in-terrier decorator.
How do you gauge the room to see if it's right for a dadjoke?
You can’t die in the living room
I had some work done to my room recently. When the contractor was done, I asked him how much I owed him.
He said, it’s on the house.
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.
I guess I’ll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang
My son was browsing Reddit in the living room
when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.
Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."
When the last hurricane blew through, my friend offered free room and board to any and all...
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side od the room?
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...
"Tell him I can't see him!"
Put together a table in my room for the kitchen, now the table doesn’t fit through the door...one could say the tables have been turned
Away on vacation and got the card to our hotel room. Told my wife: “ nice we’re staying in the pie room.”
“What’s a pie room?” she replies, Room 314. We’re staying in room 314. Should have seen the look on her face.
Did you hear about the man stuck in a room at absolute zero?
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
I went to the men’s room at the Duty Free Shop
What happened to the rapper's laptop when he left it in his jewelry room?
It was covered in so much ice, it froze.
In the delivery room, doctor asks dad to cut the cord.
Dad looks at his newborn and says, "You heard the doc, you've got 30 days to find a job and move out."
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture...
But when I got home, the tables were turned...
What room of the house are ghosts banned from?
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Pun enters the room and kills 10 people.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home, the tables were turned .
Every time I go to my therapist, I stand in one corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
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