I bought this book but had to return it for all the fowl language
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSonsofAtreus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The darkpun returns
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Upandeggum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.

Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A sweater I bought was picking up so much static electricity that I had to return it to the store.

They have me another one, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?

Because the IRS has no cents.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MSchmahl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the astroid return his salad?

He wanted it meteor

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Bernie Sanders refuse to return to the Senate after the primaries?

He wanted to practice socialist distancing

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Ordered some bass in a restaurant, but I had to return it because the fish they gave me was full of diarrhea

Sick bass turds

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife bought a pumice foot stone the other day, but I made her return it.

I asked her never to bring pedi files into our house again.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpunkBunkers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I paid a car dealership a monthly fee to drive a car for 2 years then after that I would return the car to the dealer...

It was the leased of my worries.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."

The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopar199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was 'outstanding'.

Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I had to return the glasses I bought as an anniversary present for my wife.

She still can't see things my way

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The US mint wants to stop making pennies because it costs more to make than the returns...

That wouldn't make cents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Return of the Bananas imgur.com/Zoowd6i
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scumsatchel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did dad return the rabbit stew to the waiter

There was a hare in it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the farmer return some of his tan farm animals?

Because his wife didn't want two brown chicken brown cow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorMasochist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk "Hi. I've forgotten what room I'm in."

Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eccohawk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I was watching the Lord of The Rings, The Return of the King when this hit me:
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dcstapleton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?

Because there was a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeyondanyReproach
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother spun me so fast on the merry-go-round I got too dizzy to return the favour

#FirstWhirledProblems

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s the only gift that’s better when you return or exchange it?

A smile!!! :)

But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.

Happy holidays.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost_ina_fantasy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Watching Return of the King with my 10 year old daughter

I'm trying to get my daughter into Lord of the Rings. I'm watching Return of the King. I thought she'd think the Eye of Sauron would be cool. We watch the scene where Aragorn cuts the head off of the Mouth of Sauron. Without missing a beat she turns to me and says:

"What's next? The nose of Sauron?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexAquilas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, so the duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."

The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What do bees say when they return to the hive?

Honey, I’m home!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DERPYOLO22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
"I'd like to return this, please," I told the cashier.

"Sorry, sir. We can't do that."

"But I have the receipt here! I'm demanding my money back!" I shouted.

"You can't do that with a lottery ticket, sir," he replied.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Has does Santa list the elves on his tax returns?

As dependent Clauses

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
How’d the goose get a huge tax return?

His bill was tax de-duck-table

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MBTAHole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Johnny Cash wrote a song for "Return of the Jedi", but was sadly rejected?

I guess George Lucas wasn't a fan of "Ewok the Line."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandehmand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My boss told me that his father has to return to the hospital to have his big toe amputated…

I asked my boss how his father is getting back to the hospital, and if he needs me to call a tow truck.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SinkSaunders
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Finally got to return the favor and dadjoke my dad.

I was watching Michael Collins, a movie about the Irish war of independence, when my dad walked into the room.

"Oh Michael Collins is on, when did it start?" He asked

"Around 1916" I responded

He groaned and then walked out of the room. After many years I have finally gotten him back. This is a pretty big moment for me guys.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arcticsandwich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the old man today. (Then got one in return)

So I'm out bowling with my dad, he sits down and says "I'm freaking tired" of course I have to say "hi freaking tired, I'm OP, have you seen my dad?" He looks at me with complete disappointment, then says, "yes I have seen your dad, and are you sure you have your name right OP? Because in pretty sure that you're grounded"

So yea, that backfired. GG dad.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adoni23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Not a parent yet but the girlfriend asks if it's okay to book a flight which returns at 1 am on our usual date night.

I tell her I'm flexible and touch my toes. She is not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpeakItLoud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.

Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremywarne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back

πŸ‘︎ 588
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity. So I went to the store to return it.

They gave me another one. Free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tunflog2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WassDogg304
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.