Yacht seized.
I wonder who else he's told
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Me: “you’re a powerful woman, honey, and a force to be reckoned with. If I were the toilet, I would be scared…shitless.
True story.
So I was at work at the cafe the other day, and a family came in. It was pretty quiet so they got to choose where to sit. I said "Just take any table you'd like" At this point the dad starts pretending to lift a table. He turns to his son and says "Do you reckon this'll fit in the car."
edit: typos
I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.
So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?
I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after.
"I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears" I say.
"I can't see any of it" says my wife.
"Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream" says I.
wife groans
"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."
"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"
"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.
"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."
"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'" says the bartender.
He knocks on our door and before even stepping in, he goes "Did you hear about that guy across the road? He was taken away by the police last night when they found him getting high in the supermarket car park sniffing batteries."
"Sniffing batteries!? I didn't even know that was a thing. What do you reckon they're going to do with him?" I said innocently. Then I saw this big smug shit-eating grin, and immediately knew what was coming.
"I dunno, I'm guessing they're going to leave him in a dry cell until they figure out what to charge him with."
A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.
Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.
Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"
The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."
"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"
"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"
The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"
[Insert a dad-length pause here.]
"...Rustlin'."
and noticed they were setting out the turkeys for thanksgiving. I decided to go ahead and buy mine for this year so I started digging around for the largest one they had looking for a good 20+ pounder but couldn’t find anything over 17 lbs. I turned to the stock boy and asked,
“Do these get any bigger?”
He answered with
“Well seein as they’re dead I reckon they’ve stopped groin.”
Guy spots some mushrooms on the ground and asks "reckon we'll have some fun if we ate them?"
His mate says "Mushrooms aren't fun Guy"
Some background: There are two very good players that me and my dad were talking about our team (Arsenal) signing. These players surnames are Clyne and Shaw.
Me: Yeah, I reckon Arsenal should try to sign both of them
Dad: I'm in-Clyne-ed to agree with you.
Me: I'm 'Shaw' they would improve the team.
Mum: Sigh
Yesterday my girlfriend managed to break 4 eggs in a matter of minutes, and when the 4th one's innards were all over the kitchen floor, I said:
"You know normally you are a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen, but right now you're just a force that's wreckin' the kitchen."
I was in Paris and uploaded a photo I took of the Venus de Milo.
Dad: This guy looks pretty 'armless Me: oh dear Mum: besides which, I think it's a girl Me: the boobs give it away Mum: ya reckon?
Shut down, dad.
