The workers that built the pyramids gave birth to a new profession as their backs buckeled under pressure.

They had to go to the Cairo-practor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomskomp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2023
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What profession tells the best dad jokes?

Farmers. Their jokes are really corny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2022
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If it's really the world's oldest profession…

…Where did the guys get the money to pay with?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MotorCityTrucker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2022
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What's the donkeys profession at the hospital?

ER

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robstrami98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2022
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What profession has the most retention?

Morticians. They are very deadicated.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2022
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The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YayGettel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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Why are Pirates in the best profession?

They just arrrr!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealMustardCat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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What profession has the best muscle memory?

Marine Biologists!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoursweetlord70
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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Why are restaurant servers the luckiest profession?

Because good things come to those who wait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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What is the most notorious profession?

That of a notary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fantasneeze
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What is the perfect profession for narcissists?

Architect. Because they'll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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What profession will make you twice the man you currently are?

A Maleman...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WB55Florida
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
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Did you know that of all the professions, lumberjacks are the most apologetic?

They are very sawwy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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Studies have shown that, out of all professions, doctors are the calmest.

They rarely lose their patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/comforttrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My son was upset to learn that a team of Brazilian skydivers had died when their parachutes failed.

I tried to reassure him by pointing out that they understand the risks of their profession, and he asked, "how many is a Brazilian?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2022
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Time to change professions

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about changing professions. I find the periodic table boring," he tells the bartender. "There's no element of surprise."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2022
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An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts β€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: β€œWhat do we do?”

Cashier 2: β€œDo what he says, I think he means business!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Say you call a man from Tooting, a Tooter.

The term for farting often is to "toot", and his profession is a tutor.

So, if this man from Tooting is farting at work... you can say that a Tooter is tooting in Tooting whilst tutoring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faisaltreshah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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My fiancΓ©e and I were watching the olympics together this morning

" Did you know that Chiropractor is the most prevalent profession in Ukraine?"

"Hmm, I had no idea"

"Yeah, it's 'cause when you live there you crane your neck a lot"

eye roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
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Overheard this while picking up lunch today...

Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.

The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?

The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"

Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"

Well done, sir.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditaccount314
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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On his job as a funeral director

My mom and dad are funeral directors, and we live in an apartment on top of the shop.

I was at a friends house yesterday, and my dad came around to pick me up. The friends house is like far out into the woods, so it's kinda hard to find, but he got in on the first try. So I got in the car and this conversation happened:

 

Thanks for picking me up, glad you could find the place.

>No problem, it's what I do for a living

??

>I get called up in the middle of the night, get in my car and drive to some house I've never been to before

...

>Then I pick someone up who needs my help, drive them all the way back to the shop and feel that I've done something good this night.

 

He's the only person I know that is able to joke around this much about his profession. It's pretty darn cool!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehEmperorOfLulz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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My dad's response to most questions.

My dad always responds to a yes or no question in the same exact way when it involves a server or any other profession. For example:

Waiter: Would you like to see the dessert menu?

Dad: No thanks, I'm driving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanCutrona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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