The military is supposed to straighten people out, but I once knew a guy in the military who would get annoying and argue with me about the smallest things.
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
I went to a bar and there was a group of people in a queue ready to swing off on me one after the other...
That was the punch line..
My Uncle David told me that people in the 80s had the chance to have super powers for 24 hours and they could do what ever they wanted with them
He said "We could be heroes, but just for one day"
I went into a bar and there was a huge line of people waiting to punch me in the face...
I've started playing chess in the park to help me meet new people, I've now got a new Polish mate
When people ask me if i've always been in the IT industry, i tell them "No, i used to be a diesel fitter."
"I worked at a factory that made women's undergarments, and i stood at the end of the line. Every time a pair came down, id put them on my head and say dees'l fit'r."
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
Told to me by my father this morning. Did you hear about the pun that murdered ten people and then died in the standoff?
The headline was “pun and ten dead” (meant to sound like pun intended.)
Definitely not the best but it was kinda funny. He was definitely pleased with it
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
My dad always said to me, “son, there are three types of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.”
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it?
Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world.
I told him to stop seeing things in black and white.
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, “out and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
People often say to me after rearranging my garden in alphabetical order, how did I find the time.
I said it is there next to the sage.
As I was cleaning the dirtiest swimming pool ever, people looked at me with sadness in their eyes...
I'm just a pool boy, I need no sympathy.
People walking in on me in the bathroom. That's the shit I don't like.
I hate when people teabag me in video games, it really taints the experience
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in the next 4 years
It's not like I have 2020 vision!
I don't like when people punch me in the stomach while I'm playing guitar...
because it always hurts me (in my) mid riff.
My dad, to me, as we're driving past a cemetery, "You know why all those people are buried in that cemetery on the east side of the road?"
Me: "No. Why?"
Dad: "Because they're dead."
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