Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.
But Quasimodo had a hunch.
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
What did one ocean say to the other?
They didn’t say anything; they just waved.
3 ants named A, B, and C were all males. Which one floats the best?
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”
Why do the French only eat one egg at breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
No-one laughs when I respond to "How was the gym?" with
"Heavy."
It's like my jokes carry no weight.
How does “The One” heal if he’s injured in the Matrix?
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
What do you call an Italian moose with one leg shorter than the others?
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
What’s the one thing an undercover cop doesn’t need?
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
One hat says to the other,
"You wait here, I’ll go on a head."
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
What did one dinosaur say to the other dinosaur?
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
My friend's 4 year old said this one: Why did the dad cross the road?
What's the one thing the elderly T-Rex wished it didn't catch?
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
A woman entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The other replies ‘Well, I’m a big metal fan.’
What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it.
I'm trying to make herb roasted chicken for dinner and just ran out of one of the ingredients...
I don't have thyme for this
I was the only one in the family who believed in my brother to become a ninja, so when my dad said „he will never make it“
Using my telescope, I could barely make out the British coin worth one fourth of a penny after I launched it into the upper atmosphere...
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
The one time I took a librarian on a date, she cost me a bloody fortune.
My own fault though, I kept her out too long.
Where did the one armed man go
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
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