My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
My pregnant neighbor was really nervous when the woman who was to assist her in labor was stuck in traffic.
She was having a midwife crisis.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
The police were not convinced that my neighbor had hidden plastic explosives in his basement, so I told them...
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
How does Yo-Yo Ma greet his neighbors in the morning?
Chello!
Alternatively:
What is Yo-Yo Ma's favorite dairy dessert?
Chello pudding!
Did you hear about the neighbors floor made out of 10,000 pennies?
Looks like a hundred bucks!
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...
I told them that they were still a few yards away.
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.
It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know”
My neighbor was repairing his car in the garage.
He had taken out both front tires. When he went inside his house I decided to steal away only one tire, because stealing both would have made me two tired.
My neighbor with big boobs has been working topless in the garden all afternoon
I just wish his wife would do the same
I was sitting on the deck with my son. My neighbor walked by and asked “Are you babysitting?”
I said “No, I’m dad sitting.”
Police: We need to talk to your son about the fire at your neighbor's place
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
I was strangely satisfied when I ran over the neighbor's dog with my car...
My neighbor tried to wager money on whether I could jump the row of bushes between our properties...
But I don't like to hedge my bets.
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
The neighbors are rock solid at puns
Told my neighbor, jenny, she was hooking up with the wrong guy... he's a jackass...
She laughed, "hee haw!" The farmer said, "she can't understand ya... she's a donkey!"
My neighbor saw me naked grabbing the newspaper early this a.m. Embarrassing.
Now he knows I'm taking his paper.
For halloween, my daughter dressed up as Mary Poppins, and then asked me if she could just skip the vegan neighbor's house.
When I her asked why, she said it was because their "Stupid Cauliflower Licorice Tastes A Lot Like Dog Shit."
My next door Russian neighbor is very secretive about the honeycombs in his backyard.
He might be a cagey bee agent.
My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.
There was a spring in his step.
The police just showed up at my neighbor’s house and arrested their dog...
Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.
There was a rumor around our neighbor that we aren't allowed to go to the house with the color blue
That's because it's not our property
A neighbor asks for your help closing a window; it's stuck open a little. You try but fail, and she says "try twisting the top." Surprised, you ask why.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.
I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis.
Why was the neighbor offended
Coz, the next door neighbor put a fence around his house
Hey Dad, we should throw a housewarming party for the new neighbors!
Dad moves defensively towards the thermostat: "A what kind of party?"
My neighbor pissed me off yesterday by playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over again.
I was juggling my kids on the farm yesterday when my neighbor saw me.
They called PETA for animal endangerment.
My neighbor called the police 'cuz I was smoking pot.
Cops asked where I got it from, I said my neighbor.
Can’t tell if my neighbors are playing along with the joke or seducing me
Why do the Rock’s neighbors like when he barbecues?
They smell what the Rock is cookin.
My friend told me a story about how he punched my neighbor in the face
It hit really close to home
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor and starts yelling, “The End is nigh!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
Every morning, my neighbor gets on his tractor and starts yelling, “The End is Near!”
I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.
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