My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
Two women were sharing the same ID card
Argon enters a bar, the bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases here.”
What did the mother bullet say to the father bullet?
I was at my mother's today, and she went mental after catching me having a sly joint outside the back door.
She'd just put some chops on.
Oh the tangled web we weave ...
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
What does a Jewish mother say when she gets a skin rash out in the forest?
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Mick Hucknalls mother used to read him bedtime stories every night and use different and creative voices for all the characters, but he hated it
He preferred it simply red
Did ya hear about the fetus that killed their mother
They say it was an inside job
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother...
While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."
source
What do you call it when you take pictures and share it with your family on the cloud?
Two movies that share the same plot.
Titanic and sixth sense.= Icey dead people.
What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a mother in law
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative ‘trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
The waitress at our table tonight asked if we wanted kid's menus.
My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!
I’m ready to share my Grandma’s special Gold soup recipe: first you boil the water,
My mother always told me I look more like her from the waste up, but took after my father from the waste down...
... because I'm a smart a**
By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
I have a secret to share: I'm the Norse god of mischief.
My 5y/o this morning: What if we got all the chickens in the neighborhood together?
Could we call it a bawk party?
I said "Something is wrong with these kids, we've got to get them to the hospital..."
"What is it?" said my wife.
"Well, it's a big building with a bunch of patients. But that's not important right now."
Can we ban jokes about German sausages? They are just the wurst
Why didn't the lobster want to share anything?
That's a sticky situation. But we have the right man for the job.
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
What did the pirate say when we were about to pull out of a parking spot?
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
What is the most annoying part of a party with a large bowl of shared drink mix?
He told his male partner "We are going to dinner and the concert....OR ELSE!"
Took the family for dinner at the winery the other night. When we got in the car I told them;
“I don’t want to hear any complaining while we are at the winery.”
DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY.
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
My wife tried to tell our cat that we would all be flying to a new home, but the cat seemed unimpressed.
I explained that the cat doesn’t understand plane English.
My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but it’s worth a shot."
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