The Morning After Puns

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

I should stop using WebMD as my homepage.

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

It’s a vicious cycle.

I'm going vegan today.

Wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

He responds, “Yeah with a different chick each time!”

Me: "it wasn't there already!?"

Dad: You hear it took the Clemson team 8 hours to get home last night?

Me: Why? was traffic that bad?

Dad: They had to go real slow since they didnt want another turnover.

(For those that didnt see that game, Clemson had 6-7 turnovers)

I woke up like this. Pawless.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.