This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crassastronomy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2022
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I was at a high-end burger joint where you even got to choose the type of bun you wanted. I was going to get the kaiser, but changed my mind at the last minute and went with the brioche.

It was quite the roll reversal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/craggy_cynic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2022
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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "mind if I say a word?".

The widow replies "Please do".

The man clears his throat and say "Bargain".

The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeathwaiter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2022
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Yesterday my wife told me that I’ve been driving her bananas. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I’ve always known.

After all, I do all of our fruit shopping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2022
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I arrived early to the restaurant and manager said: β€œDo you mind waiting a bit?” I said β€œNo”.

"Good," he said. "Take these drinks to table 7."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garyfire
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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Staff shortages are a real problem these days. I arrived early to the restaurant & the manager asked, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I replied, "Not at all."

"Good," he said, "Take these meals to table nine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2022
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I met this guy the other day, felt real bad for him, clearly out of his mind on drugs AND he had a lisp

I'll tell ya that guy was methed up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gusher-juice
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2022
🚨︎ report
Rant: Listen, I live in Florida it's too soon for hurricane jokes the situation here is too serious

Would you please just let everything blow over first..

Edit/update:

First let me say that we fortunately weathered the storm well, some damage, not major.

I grew up with a humorous dad, and I appreciate how humor can alleviate stress. Most of you "got it", some of you didn't, some (few) were offended.

I grew up with a dad who taught me the appreciation of MAS*H where Hawkeye Pierce made jokes and quips in a horrible environment (war).

My dad even joked when he got Covid-19, a serious issue at his age, he first told me saying "I tested positive.. I'm pregnant"

That said I want to say Thank You to those that got it.

Riding out a hurricane is a scary and anxiety ridden experience. Each time you commented you made me smile, chuckle and sometimes laugh. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise scary night, if only for a moment it would take my mind off of the raging wind and rain at my door each of the hundreds of times my phone notification went off as this post "blew" up! I can only hope it did the same for others who appreciate humor the way that my dad taught me to.

Thanks r/dadjokes

Godspeed to those still battling this storm and those that will battle the results in the days and weeks to come.

As Jimmy Buffet once said "If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunbaked4u
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I just created the first mind powered air freshener

When you think about it, it makes scents

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YT_JRGRAND
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said β€œwhen I think of the 1980s, the first thing that comes to mind is a boombox.”

And I replied, β€œwell, that’s just a stereo type.”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danger-cat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm not having any luck writing movies about bodily functions.
  • There was Diarrhea, but few are showing up at the theaters to watch it because movie pirates leaked it and it came out early.

  • Constipation gave me writer's block, so it hasn't come out yet.

  • I'm losing my mind trying to write Insanity.

  • Copulation was a success, but I still haven't gotten paid. So I was screwed.

πŸ‘︎ 342
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Girl_Alien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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The landlord left the balcony door open in the suite next to mine and a bunch of pigeons moved in. I don’t mind much, I wasn’t a fan of the old neighbours but these ones…

They Coo

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrollButtons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't mind when the clocks go back for winter.

But when they forward is daylight robbery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PropMop31
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym.

It's just the two days after that I can't stand.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a dad joke in my dream…

I had a dream the other night where I got myself and some buddies good tickets, in row B to a baseball game. So we’re making our way to the seats, but we can see that the bottom two rows of seats are completely submerged in water. The game is still going on as normal, but we have to take it in from the stairs. I looked at my buddies and said β€œBoys I’m sorry, this isn’t what I had in mind when I bought seats below C level”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raktoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2022
🚨︎ report
I don’t really mind sitting on the left or right of a rowing boat.

Either oar.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenisMcK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
The music streaming app on my phone said it could read my mind and guess my favorite Tina Turner song based on things I love.

I thought to myself "What's love got to do with it?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Belscnickle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I can tie my shoe laces just by using the power of my mind.

I bet you don't believe me...

I thought knot.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

... don't get me wrong... I don't mind the 5k... but the 10k is just way too much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow β€œdo you mind if I say a word?”

She said go ahead.

I stood up said β€œplethora” and sat back down.

β€œThank you”, the grieving widow responded, β€œit means a lot”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediwag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I wanted to get a brain transplant

In the end, I changed my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I did have some jokes about the Middle East in mind...

But Iran out of them

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanfan90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.

It’s the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pauldeanbumgarner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My kid just came up to me and asked if the Earth was flat. I told him no, but he shook his head.

β€œDad, the Earth is 71 percent water, and nearly all of it is uncarbonated.”

(He really made this up. ONE OF US)

An edit for the doubters: He was drinking a Fanta and we were watching Prehistoric Planet together when he thought up the basic idea. I helped him with the punchline, because he was having trouble making it land (he’s 11, and more mechanically-minded than artsy, if you know what I mean, so he needed help on the phrasing).

It’s not a super complicated joke, so of course it’s not new, but hey, he’s 11. Good job, kid.

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skurttish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
People have been worried that robots might take away their jobs for ages now.

But so far, creative types haven’t felt cause to be threatened. Well, I hate to break it to you, but robots should and will be doing stand up soon. Human comics are great and all, but robots are far superior. Why? Human beings don’t devote their whole selves to the pursuit of comedy. They have their minds occupied by the various quiet tragedies of life, but robots…

Robots only think in bits.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeevesfan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I am Anti-vax

I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.

You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.

It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A happily married man of 90 passed away...

His long-time wife was sitting in the first row at his funeral, when a man she didn't recognize came up and sat next to her.

"Do you mind if I say a word?" he asked. "No not at all. He meant so much to so many people."

The man walked up to the microphone and said: "PLETHORA" then sat back down.

Crying, the woman leaned over to him and said, "Thank you... That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HearKyleTait
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2022
🚨︎ report
Restaurant called the Dog Haus - a Place I wouldn’t mind spending the night if the gf was mad.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaabeGetOnSkype
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind

It takes quite a while though.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheProff_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, β€œdo u mind if I say a word?” she responds, β€œNot at all, please do.” the man stands up and says β€œplethora” and sits back down.

β€œThanks,” said the woman, β€œthat means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turboboob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Cop: do you mind identifying the body? I must warn you it ispretty hacked up!

Me [tearing up]: yes, that’s my brother Reese. Cop: are you sure? Me: yes I’m sure, those are Reese’s pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a β€˜Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I got hit over the head with a powertool. I was sitting quietly minding my own business and then suddenly...

...Bosch!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runeglifberg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I was at school today and they ask us if the bill of rights apply to us students i responded we can't bare shoulders never mind baring arms
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gardnbra7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the rumour about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it
πŸ‘︎ 684
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJR1000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
🚨︎ report
a man goes to a funeral and asks..

He asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?" She says "please do"

The man clears his throat and says "Bargain."

The widow replies "Thanks that means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?

Thought knot.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. β€œDo you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. β€œNot at all” I replied.

β€œGood, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NukulerNicky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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