A list of puns related to "The Mind's I"
It was quite the roll reversal.
The widow replies "Please do".
The man clears his throat and say "Bargain".
The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".
After all, I do all of our fruit shopping.
"Good," he said. "Take these drinks to table 7."
"Good," he said, "Take these meals to table nine."
I'll tell ya that guy was methed up
Would you please just let everything blow over first..
Edit/update:
First let me say that we fortunately weathered the storm well, some damage, not major.
I grew up with a humorous dad, and I appreciate how humor can alleviate stress. Most of you "got it", some of you didn't, some (few) were offended.
I grew up with a dad who taught me the appreciation of MAS*H where Hawkeye Pierce made jokes and quips in a horrible environment (war).
My dad even joked when he got Covid-19, a serious issue at his age, he first told me saying "I tested positive.. I'm pregnant"
That said I want to say Thank You to those that got it.
Riding out a hurricane is a scary and anxiety ridden experience. Each time you commented you made me smile, chuckle and sometimes laugh. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise scary night, if only for a moment it would take my mind off of the raging wind and rain at my door each of the hundreds of times my phone notification went off as this post "blew" up! I can only hope it did the same for others who appreciate humor the way that my dad taught me to.
Thanks r/dadjokes
Godspeed to those still battling this storm and those that will battle the results in the days and weeks to come.
As Jimmy Buffet once said "If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane"
When you think about it, it makes scents
And I replied, βwell, thatβs just a stereo type.β
There was Diarrhea, but few are showing up at the theaters to watch it because movie pirates leaked it and it came out early.
Constipation gave me writer's block, so it hasn't come out yet.
I'm losing my mind trying to write Insanity.
Copulation was a success, but I still haven't gotten paid. So I was screwed.
They Coo
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
But when they forward is daylight robbery.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I had a dream the other night where I got myself and some buddies good tickets, in row B to a baseball game. So weβre making our way to the seats, but we can see that the bottom two rows of seats are completely submerged in water. The game is still going on as normal, but we have to take it in from the stairs. I looked at my buddies and said βBoys Iβm sorry, this isnβt what I had in mind when I bought seats below C levelβ.
Either oar.
I thought to myself "What's love got to do with it?"
I bet you don't believe me...
I thought knot.
... don't get me wrong... I don't mind the 5k... but the 10k is just way too much.
She said go ahead.
I stood up said βplethoraβ and sat back down.
βThank youβ, the grieving widow responded, βit means a lotβ
In the end, I changed my mind.
But Iran out of them
...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.
My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"
She's going to be a great dad one day.
Edit: skipped a word
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyβre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. βIβd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,β it says. βSorry, but I canβt serve you,β the bartender replies. βYouβre out of your head.β
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. βWe donβt serve your kind here,β the bartender says. βWhy not?β one yogurt asks. βWeβre cultured.β
A friend of mine didnβt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heβs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereβs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, βWhat are you staring at? Havenβt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?β The guy says, βItβs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.β
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, βWhatβs with the paper towel?β The pirate says, βArrr! Iβve got a Bounty on me head!β
A turtle is crossing the road when heβs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast.β
Armed robbersβsome say theyβre a drain on society, but youβve got to give it to them.
Barbersβ¦you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donβt forget the pickle. Itβs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereβs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisβ¦ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit β‘Itβs the neck.
βDad, the Earth is 71 percent water, and nearly all of it is uncarbonated.β
(He really made this up. ONE OF US)
An edit for the doubters: He was drinking a Fanta and we were watching Prehistoric Planet together when he thought up the basic idea. I helped him with the punchline, because he was having trouble making it land (heβs 11, and more mechanically-minded than artsy, if you know what I mean, so he needed help on the phrasing).
Itβs not a super complicated joke, so of course itβs not new, but hey, heβs 11. Good job, kid.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
βExcuse me,β I said, βI couldnβt help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?β
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, βItβs Wales!β
βNo offense intended,β I replied. βPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?β
So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'
Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.
But so far, creative types havenβt felt cause to be threatened. Well, I hate to break it to you, but robots should and will be doing stand up soon. Human comics are great and all, but robots are far superior. Why? Human beings donβt devote their whole selves to the pursuit of comedy. They have their minds occupied by the various quiet tragedies of life, but robotsβ¦
Robots only think in bits.
I am anti-vax and I donβt care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.
You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I donβt care what you say to try and convince me, Iβve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.
Itβs Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!
His long-time wife was sitting in the first row at his funeral, when a man she didn't recognize came up and sat next to her.
"Do you mind if I say a word?" he asked. "No not at all. He meant so much to so many people."
The man walked up to the microphone and said: "PLETHORA" then sat back down.
Crying, the woman leaned over to him and said, "Thank you... That means a lot."
It takes quite a while though.
βThanks,β said the woman, βthat means a lot.β
Me [tearing up]: yes, thatβs my brother Reese. Cop: are you sure? Me: yes Iβm sure, those are Reeseβs pieces.
...Bosch!
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
He asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?" She says "please do"
The man clears his throat and says "Bargain."
The widow replies "Thanks that means a great deal."
Thought knot.
βGood, take these lasagnas to table 6β he said.
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
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