"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him by the cattle Novocaine factory?
It was heartache by the numb herd.
In my will, I’ve made it clear that I’m leaving my ranch and all the beef cattle on it to my male children. They will just have to rename the ranch ‘Focus’...
That’s the place where the sons raise meat.
What's the fastest way to move cattle from one field to another?
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
What did the cattle-dog say to the nagging sheep?
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
On my farm, we have a tradition. Every year, we dedicate a day to collecting hay, drinking alcohol and having fun.
I guess you could say that it's our hay day.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
The police arrested to kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, and the other was drinking battery acid
They charged one, and let the other off
Have you heard of the man addicted to drinking brake fluid?
Says he can stop anytime!
What do yell at someone drinking from the nozzle of a fountain?
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says I'll have a drink
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
What drink did Hermione order at the Leaky Cauldron?
What did the cowboy say about the missing cattle?
What will happen if british people will drink all the tea in the world
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day
Wife: who’s skull is that
Me: a man named Phillip
Wife: what’s in it?
Me: vodka and orange juice.
Wife: .......
Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver
What is the best tea to drink on Independence Day?
What is the Tunnel Diggers Association's motto?
What are wine drinks at the beach called?
Why did the runner need to drink water urgently?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they would like to drink.
Then the rabbi says: "Just give me a tea, so I can become an overused joke."
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
Who can drink fifteen litres of gasoline and not get sick?
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink
The bartender says for you no charge
Two larger women walked into a bar and requested drinks in a hard UK accent.
The bartender asked are you ladies from Ireland?
The girls smiled and said Wales.
The bartender replied are you two whales from Ireland?
It's never a good idea to overdo the energy drinks before buying fine dinnerware...
You don't want to be a Redbull in a China Shop.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink
He tells the bartender, “put it on my bill”
During the Battle of Gettysburg, why did Billy run toward the cattle pasture?
Because while the other soldiers ran forward, Billy ran coward.
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
What do you call a place where brass musicians hang out and drink?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What is the most annoying part of a party with a large bowl of shared drink mix?
What did the royal taster say after drinking the poisoned water?
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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