A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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︎ Sep 24 2020
No matter what I do, I just canβt seem to master the entire alphabet.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
My father in law is the master at Dad Jokes, this is my favorite he tells my son
You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Which is the grand master of nuts?
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︎ Oct 04 2020
You heard about the master-chef from Transylvania?
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I met a Kung Fu master who has stayed in 30 yurts in the last 30 days
He's on a roundhouse kick.
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︎ Jun 08 2020
Why did the park master cross the road?
To get to the other slide
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︎ Apr 03 2020
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K for the first time?
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︎ Dec 27 2019
As a master electrician of 22 years, I've never had an accident on the job.
When I finally had an accident at work, I was shocked.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
I am the master pun creator
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︎ Dec 18 2018
What did the Great Deku Tree tell Link when he couldn't pull out the master sword?
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︎ Nov 22 2019
Shagster the pun master
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︎ May 06 2019
Grandma is the dominant pun master in the family. (Iβm in Collegeβ thatβs why she says the first comment)
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︎ Nov 19 2017
Hit my own father with a back to back. The student has surpassed the master.
Had to change some plans with my dad while I'm in town. So I told him we had to move the day to Thursday.
He said "don't worry I'm flexible"
to which I replied "I'd say that's a bit of a stretch."
He didn't seem to know what I meant so I had to explain I was joking.
"Ahhh I may be flexible but I'm not so bright."
"Don't worry dad, at least the son is."
I have officially become more dad than my own dad.
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︎ Aug 02 2016
Did you hear about the karate master who joined the army?
They killed themselves with their first salute.
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︎ Oct 29 2019
Happy birthday to the master of the spoken pun, Barbara Punkelman
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︎ Jul 02 2019
The FBI has been hunting me down for sharing their master passkey. It rhymes with approved and itβs spelled
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︎ May 02 2019
So, what did the Jedi master tell his Padawan before the big race?
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︎ Jul 09 2019
The student becomes the master...
I noticed my daughters earrings went nicely with her shirt, so like a good confidence-boosting dad would, I told her, "Your earrings match nicely." And she replied, "Yeah, Dad, they come in pairs."
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︎ Aug 14 2014
God the true master of de skies.
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︎ Feb 04 2019
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
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︎ Oct 24 2018
I wish the Master Sword could be used as a cell phone for Link.
At least there'd be a one-time only Fi...
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︎ Jan 07 2019
Why does a dock master check wander out onto the docks? To be amongst his piers.
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︎ Nov 29 2018
Got the preemptive reversal from my own father this evening. Sign of a true master.
We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:
"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"
Smooth Dad, real smooth.....
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︎ Mar 08 2019
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︎ May 18 2015
Wife and I are at my sonβs yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand masterβs name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, heβs not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks Iβm damaged in some way.
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︎ Jun 17 2018
Did you hear about the Zen master that walked across the fiery coals?
He had Flaming Hot Chi-toes.
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︎ Oct 28 2018
Still in the shadow of the master dad.
My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.
We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".
I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.
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︎ Apr 11 2016
What Did the Kung Fu Chicken Call His Master?
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︎ Oct 06 2018
While taking my pregnant wife to the hospital after her water had broken, I thought she would see the humor since she has a Masters in English. She did not.
My Wife "OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER CONTRACTION"! Me "Can't".
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︎ Mar 09 2017
What would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Master Splinter if they had become brake specialists instead of ninjas?
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︎ Apr 15 2018
The student is now the master.
I had to talk to my daughter when she got home from school.
This is what I got.
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︎ Mar 27 2015
How did the painter display his master piece?
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︎ Apr 05 2017
The other day someone just would not shut up about how I need to accept the giant robot masters into my heart.
Damn right-wing Evangelionists.
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︎ May 06 2018
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︎ Jul 17 2015
What did the Australian Grand Chess Master say when he wanted his restaurant bill?
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︎ Nov 27 2017
Chandler Bing really is the master of dad jokes.
While at a tailor's,
"How long do you want the cuffs?"
"Well at least for as long as I have the pants."
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︎ Aug 31 2014
The apprentice has become the master
My dad was talking about his college calculus class
Dad: "I could barely understand my calculus professor. He was always speaking Chinese"
Me: "Are you sure he was speaking Chinese or was it just all Greek to you?"
Everyone except my dad groaned. He was beaming with pride
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︎ Jul 22 2014
I saw two chess masters in the hotel lobby, and they were bragging about their skill.
They were chess nuts boasting in a open foyer.
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︎ Jul 30 2018
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