Wanna know the secret to a long and happy marriage?
It's MMA. Mixed marital arts.
Why do Chicago Jedis make the worst marriage counselors?
They always say “May divorce be with you”
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned"Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers
What did the honeydew say to the watermelon's marriage proposal?
Never gonna happen, I cantaloupe.
My marriage is on the rocks.
I took my wife for granite
therapist: "i think you might have a phobia of marriage. do you know what the symptoms are?"
me: "can't say i do"
therapist: "that's one of them!"
Did you hear about the surprise marriage proposal at the gym?
The blind man had his second marriage today
I guess he didn’t see anything in the first wife
Every morning me and my wife race to be the first to say the three words that are so important to every marriage.
After 31 years of marriage, I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which pants I can wear.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?
Patient: I can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
What’s the key to a happy marriage?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
what are the three rings of marriage?
First is the engagement ring.
Second is the wedding ring.
Then comes the suffering.
My wife told the marriage counselor that she wanted a separation because she couldn't handle the constant Star Wars puns, I leaned over to the counselor and said
Divorce is strong with this one.
I was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers to the point it was affecting my marriage
My wife told me I had to quit cold turkey.
A husband complained to the marriage counselor that his wife only ever talks in Stars Wars references.
"It's really frustrating, and I've told her I may have to leave her if she keeps it up," he said.
The therapist turned to the wife and asked her to share her thoughts.
She said, "divorce is strong with this one."
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
When the marriage is starting to fall apart
Why was the poor Dubliner's marriage proposal immediately rejected?
The ring was just a sham rock.
After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plumber left his wife.
The note on the table simply read, "It's Over Flo."
what is the name of a marriage between two russians?
Why is Washington state the marriage capital of America?
They like to say they're Spokane for.
Constantly telling dad jokes is causing a rift in my relationship. We are now seeing a Marriage Counselor. The therapist asked me how I felt.
I thought it was touching.
what did one star-crossed lover fruit say to the other when she let them know her father had committed her to an arranged marriage?
Well I guess we cantaloupe :(
When asked his advice on the secret of a happy marriage, King Henry VIII pondered the thought for a moment, then he replied...
... "it's all in the execution."
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Marriage let's you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Take advantage of that as much as you can.
Why were the melons denied a last minute marriage license?
What did the cinematographer say about his failed marriage?
I didn't like how it panned out so I decided to take another shot at it
When my girl said "yes" to my marriage proposal, I began bawling uncontrollably. In fact she slipped and fell on the wet floor, slickened by my tears...
Why did the butterfly have such a hard time with his marriage?
He didn’t get along with his moth-er-in-law.
The laws around gay marriage are outdated. Two co-workers of mine, Mr. Rock and Mr. Melon, have been together for over 10 years
and they still cantaloupe.
Why did the Pharaoh's marriage fall apart?
It was a fault of his mummy-in-law
People ask my secret to a happy marriage. I tell them the trick is my wife and I go out to dinner twice a week.
I go Tuesdays and my wife takes Thursdays
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage
Is it the position of the full stop or going to prison is better than marriage?
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?
Patient: I can’t say I do.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly
A man who lays with another man should be stoned.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
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