The Magnet Puns

Because it was attractive

Ferrous metal's day off

K, bye.

You look attractive

I’m very attractive!

I think it's because they find it attractive.

I shit you not.

Me: "I'm not positive"

The charges didn't stick.

She worked the poles.

The doc said they would be ok “This two shall pass.”

She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”

I chortled.

The Ferrous wheel

Said the fugitive magnet

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

My friend and I were having a conversation about his career, he said that Uranus was beginning to collapse on itself due to the magnetic and gravitational fields.

Being immature I laughed, he replied with a stern face "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

Got the most recent matco tool flyer.

One part of it reads: "Did you swallow a magnet? Because you're so attractive"

I have letter magnets on my fridge so people can spell out messages. For some reason my dad put up "YOYO TRICKS". I'm completely baffled by what this is supposed to mean. So I ask him and he replies "What's a yo-yo trick?" The first one to come to mind is "walk the dog". He was telling me to walk the dog.

Background: she's learning about magnets and how they stick together. She is also learning about anatomy. Finally, she has a two month old baby brother... all of these things are relevant.

She was playing with the magnets and put one next to her brother and says "He doesn't have stick, but he does have test-STICK-les"

It was her first proper dad joke.

I work with another dad, and all day we trade off dad jokes cracking each other up. This one is from yesterday

Paul (the other dad) was asking about a new fixture we had at work. it was explained it was a highly sensitive camera used to test the polarity of magnets. I then came around the corner and Paul wanted to tell me about it.

Paul: "This is a new thing from Ancestry.com. I can stand by it and it will tell me what percentage Polish I am"

Me: Wow, although I have a similar thing right inside of me. My stomach can tell me how Hungry I am!

After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.

After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".

The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.

My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."

I'm on my laptop in the living room, and I hear him say, "Jesus!" I look up, and as I do, he bends down and picks up a magnet out of the floor with a photo of Jesus on it..

So we walk into a car shop to get some wiper blades and go up to the cashier's desk to ask for help. The cashier asks as a joke whether dad broke his computer (I guess it wasn't working? ). Dad responds "I've been told I have a magnetic personality". Brilliant.