I hear corny people are the best listeners....

They’re all ears!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Which vegetable is the best listener?

Corn, it's all ears!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/subieguy92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Our radio station's best listeners are at the jail

They are mostly a captive audience.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/level1user
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
My underprivileged friend will only listen to the b side of his records.

It’s like he lives on the other side of the tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EggNogAgenda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
So I'm listening to music the other day when my wife comes home.

She asks, "Are you listening to Milli Vanilli?"

I said "Girl, you know it's truuuuuue!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/burlyginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?

A rainbro

(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rasmyn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the milk glasses listen to the milk carton?

Because the carton was a litre.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agfwouldbecool
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to?

Royalty free music

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmoghVaishnav
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Barry Allen likes to listen to The Rolling Stones when he workouts

His favorite is β€œjumpin’ jack flash”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beatlesfan196450
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to listen to music as I fall asleep, so I tuned the radio to the Metal station

I've always been a heavy sleeper.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TarakZair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.

She also complains that I never listen to her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodHippo9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Anyone listened to the mountain joke?

If not u should cause it’s hil-arious

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/passionated-7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of music do they listen to in the Czech Republic?

Prague rock.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xQuizate87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"

"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Listening to The Who Won't Fooled Again

We start talking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"He must be a king." "How do you know?" "He 'asn't got shit all over 'im."

Dad says "CSI:Medieval!"

He laughed at his own joke so hard I thought he was going to hurt himself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluescrubs33
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.

It goes into one ear, and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My granddad tried to tell everyone that would listen that the Titanic would sink...

They finally kicked him out of the theater.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best music to listen to on a hike

A trail mix

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, β€œyour not even listening to me.”

I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimLegend5331
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said β€˜stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.

Martha was burning with curiosity

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/husbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife looked at me the other day and said β€œYou’re not listening to anything I’ve said!”

I said to her β€œThere are better ways to start a conversation.”

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I listened to a jazz ensemble when I was at the ocean shore for vacation...

Nothing beats sax on the beach!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I love listening to the can-can

Everytime it finishes, I turn it Offenbach on again

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of music do you listen to during the coronavirus?

Quaran-tunes!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room

Weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 366
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
"That was so baaaad, Dad"

I remembered a good Dad joke moment.

My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.

My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.

I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."

They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.

But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.

After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "

This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loosebag
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?

Because he has herd them all.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says β€œWhat music do you listen to?”

The turbine says β€œI’m a massive heavy metal fan”

πŸ‘︎ 340
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Richie31213
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,

"I'm Avery."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TuLongDong
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat

He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.

"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"

"16!"

"How did you figure that out."

"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to guy that listened to the match?

He burned his ear

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsyaboii101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What song does the Rick and Morty creator listen to while on a boat?

Roiland on the River

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nooknc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods?

Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I listened to the new Lion King soundtrack tonight...
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siro300104
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of music do they listen to in the czech republic?

Czechno!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kassetta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to:

Plymouth Rock

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabagaba62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

No it was with a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was listening to the radio...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon_777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iaxeuanswerme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 250
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
πŸ‘︎ 218
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ystad31
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.