How much money does Scrooge McDuck have?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the dress that ballerinas wear.
Then I put tu and tu together.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
A parrot was going to go to a showing of Monty Python and the Holy Grail but forgot what time it was and showed up halfway through.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
Traveled to the top of a misty mountain in the Far East to ask the local monk the meaning of life
He said. Many men bite, but fumanchu
Five years back I couldn’t pay my electricity bill, those were the dark days of my life
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
How does the Norse god of mischief act in his off time?
My Kids are in the Prime of their life.
The Lord said "come forth and you shall receive life."
John came fifth and won a toaster.
Once upon a time a had a pair of jeans that I cut off at the knee in summer.
There you go, a short story.
Every time I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke
I guess I suffer from premature ejokeulation
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
Why is a Dyson vacuum cleaner considered both good and bad at the same time?
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
What cheese is the greatest of all time?
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
I'm reminded of the time the King was saved in battle by his grandchildren
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me.
I guess love means nothing to her.
Three unwritten rules of life.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times
What's the secret of the Queen's long life?
What's round, long and jokes around all of the time?
what album do X-Ray doctors listen to most of the time
My friend said he had plenty of memorable years in his life, but couldn't specify when.
I can't tolerate that level of epochrisy
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.
My body was really sore as well!
For some time now, the Church of Scientology has been trying to prevent one of its most outspoken members from saying anything too embarrassing.
They call it “Cruise Control”.
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
I recently bought a decibel reader and it changed my life...
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Six-thirty is the best time of day.
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...
...he just couldn't part with it.
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