Did you hear about the divorce happening between Steve Harvey and his wife?
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
The election is happening in November and Trump will be bragging about the 30 foot wall he built on the Mexican border.
But he probably should have made it much longer than that.
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
Going to be a dad officially in a month... I think the change is happening.
Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door
Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto?
Me: Oh, about 6'1"
My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed... my wife and MIL groaned
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
What the fuck has happened to this sub!?
http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
What happened to the Jews' foreskin?
What happens when the casts of friends get stuck out in sea on a raft
If the end of the world happens, I want it to be hailing taxis.
I just saw an announcement on TV. Seems there’s a fortune teller that happens to be a dwarf, wanted by the FBI
To sum it up, there’s a small medium at large.
What’s the worst thing that’ll happen to the Gaetz household if he gets busted?
His son will end up an empty Nestor.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
What happens if a polar bear sits too long on the ice?
What happened to the guy who invented knock knock jokes?
What happens when the sun goes out in Bangladesh?
What happened to the Baked Beans that went around Australia?
Did you hear about the crow where everytime it makes a noise sornething big happens?
It has a caws and effect relationship
What happened when the two bullets got married?
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? I found out why it happened.
He couldn’t see that well.
What did the friend say after his brother asked what will happen after he gets his glasses?
What happens to Werewolf's house when its the full moon?
It becomes a warehouse.
Credit to Haldzur, the newest dad in our party.
What happened to the boy who got tomato sauce in his eyes?
Dunno. But he probably learnt his lesson because Heinz sight is 20/20!
What happened when the geese fell down stairs?
They all got goose bumps.
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
Did you hear what happened to the robber who stole a calendar?
Ever wonder what happened to the Jolly Green Giant?
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
You've seen Mentos and Coke, but what happens when you put Coke in the oven?
Did you hear what happened to the coin theif?
He got caught for penny crime!
I have been reading some history on the French revolution and found out what happened to Louis XVI's head
Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?
Did you hear what happened when a man lied about his credentials to get in the band?
It was quite a con on drum ...
What happens when the hair falls ?
What happened when the stove stopped working?
What happens when you're looking for the Mortal Kombat soundtrack?
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What happens when you add cornstarch to the stew?
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...
What happens when you break the 4th wall?
The ceiling will fall and crush you.
The Mama Roach asked "What will happen to us if that human sprays us with Raid?"
The Papa Roach replied "Suffocation. No breathing."
Chad asks his friend, "What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?"
His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."
What happened when the leader of Russia went to jail
What happened to the woman who sat on the meat slicer?
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
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