The Guide Puns

But that also has its ups and downs.

Because the tour guide knows 'where there is a will, there is a way'

Crap, this is the point of the journey where it all goes south.

(Not a true story, but as a dad I would totally do this.)

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Step 15

He didn't want us to take it for granite

I looked up at it, leaned a few degrees to the side and said "looks ok to me!"

It’s about time.

It's a minute tour.

Tell it upstairs.

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

Cardinal Directions

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

We only had one star.

He said, “No, they usually come that way.”

He thought, “Finally! I put A Dent in that book!”

FDA Regulation of Marijuana: Past Actions, Future Plans Douglas C. Throckmorton, M.D. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) ICSB/ASP Joint Meeting April 12, 2016

A Joint meeting on marijuana...

It made a good ad visor.

it was about doing your own hair colour.

Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit.

"Get out of the whey!!!"

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

Guide: (broken english) "There is a lot of grass in this area because...[good reason]."

Dad: (to me, but loud enough for everyone to hear) "You know what the locals call that...?"

Me: "No, what?"

Dad: "Muchas gracias!" (followed by the biggest grin I've ever seen)

Guide: (confused) "De nada..."

My family quickly and casually disassociates before seeing other families face palm for us.

I was the only one who laughed...

Showing kids in the demo how to sex tagged birds in the wild, he explained that if the tag/band is on the left leg, it's a male; females have the tag on the other leg. "Even with birds, the females are always right."

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

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Step 25:

Hospital

Step 1. Step2. Step 3. Step 4. Step 5. Step 6. ...

Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9...

Step 1 Step 3 Step 6 Step 9,10,11,12