It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.

Moist Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_legend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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"The Epic Split" featuring Jean Claude Van Damme
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michael_v92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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When we were kids, we used books of epic poems as bases. I once slid head first into "The Odyssey"...

I hit a Homer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Nancy Pelosi made the most epic dad joke in front of the entire nation.

She thought the State of the Union speech was tearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kikasphalt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Everything's Free On The Epic Games Store Right Now
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AV990
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Plz halp, I need as many vegetable puns as possible ASAP, the epic vegetable pun battle of the century is now being waged and I am quickly running out of ammo while the enemy shows no signs of retreat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoofyGoober1999
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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All of this criticism and backlash over Eminem's recent verses and punchlines is just the collective groan expected when the greatest rapper of all time starts making epic dad jokes.

FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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The Bugle's Andy Zaltzman goes on epic fish-themed pun run youtube.com/watch?v=4b0Me…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iemploreyou
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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The most ridiculous situation ever, capped off with an epic dad joke

A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.

When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.

Then... I saw it.

It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.

I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.

My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.

We ended up going to Denny's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OBJHamSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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My dad looked at the cover and said, "I hear this is an epic adventure for the entire family."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyClover
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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My 2yr old daughter got me good.

She loves when I spin her around by the arms so I do it quite often because she gets a real kick out of it. After one epic swing I put her down and stumble around the room saying "I'm dizzy, I'm dizzy!" she shouts back at me "you're not dizzy, you're dad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_asthma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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My dad was somehow prepared to drop this once in a lifetime line...

The circumstances for this joke were so specific I don't think it will ever be repeated.

Yesterday morning I stopped by my parent's house and my mom had just made coffee. She buys "raw unfiltered honey" from a local farmers market to sweeten the coffee. First she handed my dad his cup, then she was about to put a spoonful of honey in mine when she stopped and said "there's something in this honey!"

I looked at it and it was literally a bee's hairy little leg. I looked in the jar and found one more. I said "its no big deal, im sure its fine", then I picked out the legs. Just then my dad takes a big sip and makes an "Ahhh" sound like he's satisfied. He then holds up the cup and smiles at us like he's in a 1950's Folgers commercial and says "This coffee is the BEE'S KNEES!"

It was epic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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Where were you while we were getting high?

So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.

So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.

There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.

They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"

"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaudette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
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My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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Got the wife.

So I fell and either sprained or broke my ankle this morning chasing my son around.

Told my wife I had been assaulted, so she better get me some pepper for balance.

The eye roll was epic.

Edit: hairline fracture on my ankle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/giorgioisright
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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Picky eater and coming into the family

I was at my in laws yesterday and I had an epic comeback.

MIL: I'm having pizza for dinner.
Me: Yeah and you'll get a pizza that tastes like a pizza. (She said she likes her pizza to taste like a pizza none of that BBQ chicken pizza stuff)
MIL: Ok. Coming from Mr Picky who didn't eat anything before he came into my family.
Me: The only thing I came into was your daughter.

To add to it all my wife is pregnant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellsdavidj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Went to buy myself a Trumpet

After trying a lot of trumpets, I asked if they had any light trumpets, they came back with this. Commence epic laughter from the salesman.. Sigh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jorisimoo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Some nice dad jokes at Benihana last night

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

  • Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

  • When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

  • While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

  • He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

  • Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/msim
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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