Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.
He was sailing on the seven C’s
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
Damn i'm now convinced Putin poisoned the dude
what did the dude say when they invented refrigeration?
Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!
Me: Dude! Come with me to the storage! I organized all the philosophy theses into plastic boxes with hanging files!
Unimpressed Friend: So, Crates...
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?
Did you see the final episode of that new Netflix series about the dude who couldn't stop buying himself gifts!?
What did the dude said when he crapped on the elevator
I’m about to take this shit to another level
What is the way two French dudes share files electronically?
Pierre to Pierre network.
My dad just legit made this joke: i was playing NHL20 and I hit a dude against the glass and got a penalty..
My dad looked at me and said “I think your player went to Boarding School.”
Did you hear about the dude who survived a Kodiak bear attack with only a .22 to defend himself?
After taking a bullet to the knee, his friend wasn't as lucky.
*guy in the red shirt* : "Dude, chill out! You're always so in-tents. You need to relax!!
Dude’s going to Maine and there’s a city called “Bangor” which is kind of like the word “banger” which means really cool, fun, great, etc.
this dude at my school had two separate hit lists. we all knew who was on the white one, but the blacklist? no clue.
I asked the surfer dude if he had a document laying out the things to do in his beautiful city. He said:
What did the scientist say when a dude goes after his girlfriend
Witnessed in the wild, old dude talking to a sick little kid: Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell you're built upside down?
Today I saw some dudes in a line in the Street. I couldn't see what they were queueing for, so I got in line. When I got in front, some buff guy punched me in the face.
And I gotta say, this punchline I got into really surprised me.
Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Dude makes racetrack pun and the guys he's reporting to can't even acknowledge that sick pun.
vimeo.com/282134349
When the smart astro-studier dude first theorized that the Earth travels around the Sun...
Other people must have thought it was revolutionary!
Some context: so some guy thought that a close up picture of a fig was the inside of a vagina and then some dude told him that and this guy on Reddit made a nice little pun
I was on the trail in Colorado or somewhere when I happened upon a dude that couldn't get his donkey in reverse.
A donkey-whisperer rapper-wanna-be, I was able to back that ass up, yo. Uh huh.
Check out the big white cock on this dude!
Did you hear about the guy who makes his living by designing cool clothes for dudes?
Yeah, he’s Bro-Fashion Al.
Did you hear about the dude who died from kidney stones?
Too many drinks on the rocks
You ever hear about the dude who rode his horse through a flaming loop?
His name was Medieval Knievel.
I punched a hipster in the mouth yesterday. He said, “Dude, that isn’t cool!”
Dude, are you at the harbor tonight?
I know this dude who lost the entire left-side of his body.
What is it called when you smoke weed on the beach with an Asian dude?
Roommate rummaging through the wine shelf: "dude, what's the difference between this Cabernet standard and a Cabernet reserve?"
me: "one called ahead!"
she left.
Did you hear about the dude who could hold his breath for 20 minutes?
Never mind. It's a lung story.
dude goes to the doctor with some head pain
After explaining the pain the doctor decides to cut open his head and check it out for himself. The doctor gasps and calls over his assistant and tells him to look for himself. The assistant looks left and sees nothing right. Then he looks right and sees nothing left.
On seeing a video of a dude jumping on a table, slipping, and crashing to the ground
"You know what that's called? Parfloor"
I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl....
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