The man who invented Velcro is dead
today there was an artist found dead by the police
the details are a little sketchy
How many dead bodies are buried in the average American cemetery?
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
What do you call a person who enjoys talking with the spirits of the dead?
I saw a man giving away dead batteries the other day...
I suppose you could say they were free of charge.
When I see a dead vulture in the road I remember the old saying...
For the sake of all Grateful Dead fans, I hope pot is made legal in the US soon.
Otherwise, they will ...be rolling in their graves.
The doctor told me my dad was pronounced dead today.
I told him I didn’t realize I’ve been saying it wrong all these years.
Do you know whats the best thing about dead batteries?
In Schrödinger's thought experiment, if you open the box and the cat is dead,
then your curiosity killed the cat.
Heard y’all like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
Which member of the Addams Family loves dead memes?
It is Wednesday, my dudes.
How did the police identify the body of a dead monk?
They checked his transcen-dental records.
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
Where do the dead go to party?
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
What's the favorite movie of dead people?
What’s the difference between a live pyre and a dead pyre?
Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian ?
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is pronounced dead after colliding with a flock of seagulls and a 747 over Madrid.
Eyewitnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spas where the fish eat all your dead skin.
So much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.
Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.
What do you call tiny dead crustaceans on the highway?
Roadkrill.
(My eight-year-old came up with this one all on his own.)
What's the difference between being killed and being dead?
What's the dead bee called?
What do you call the few pimps who are characters in The Walking Dead?
The Four Whore’s Men of the Apocalypse
Nice and dead behind the eyes for my own pun
Did you hear about the man selling dead birds for $4000
Tony the Tiger is dead... Murdered!
What would happen if you texted the dead?
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Did you hear about the midget who could talk to the dead that was running from the police?
He was a small medium at large.
Why do the dead never come back?
‘Cause they’re boomers, not boomerangs!
I ask someone, what's the most brain dead subreddit
He replied with r/Zombies
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says:
"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.
I took dead batteries from the store
They were free of charge.
I accidentally played 'Dad' instead of 'Dead', when the bear attacked.
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
How many people are dead in the cemetery?
A Girl takes a Pregnancy Test, then looks her Boyfriend dead in the eyes and says:
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