For the walking dead fans
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︎ Jun 05 2021
The man who invented Velcro is dead
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︎ May 09 2021
How many dead bodies are buried in the average American cemetery?
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︎ Jun 01 2021
today there was an artist found dead by the police
the details are a little sketchy
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︎ May 30 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
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︎ Mar 30 2021
A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...
The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.
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︎ May 03 2021
What do you call a person who enjoys talking with the spirits of the dead?
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︎ May 16 2021
I saw a man giving away dead batteries the other day...
I suppose you could say they were free of charge.
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︎ May 24 2021
When I see a dead vulture in the road I remember the old saying...
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︎ May 20 2021
For the sake of all Grateful Dead fans, I hope pot is made legal in the US soon.
Otherwise, they will ...be rolling in their graves.
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︎ May 23 2021
The doctor told me my dad was pronounced dead today.
I told him I didnβt realize Iβve been saying it wrong all these years.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Do you know whats the best thing about dead batteries?
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︎ Feb 20 2021
In SchrΓΆdinger's thought experiment, if you open the box and the cat is dead,
then your curiosity killed the cat.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Heard yβall like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Which member of the Addams Family loves dead memes?
It is Wednesday, my dudes.
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︎ Apr 18 2021
How did the police identify the body of a dead monk?
They checked his transcen-dental records.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I accidentally played 'dad' instead of 'dead' when the bear attacked..
Now, it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Where do the dead go to party?
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︎ Mar 24 2021
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I canβt believe Iβve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didnβt have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
What's the favorite movie of dead people?
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian ?
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Whatβs the difference between a live pyre and a dead pyre?
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︎ Dec 20 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries - $1 each.
I thought to myself βthese should be free of chargeβ.
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︎ Jan 08 2020
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is pronounced dead after colliding with a flock of seagulls and a 747 over Madrid.
Eyewitnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I took my grandma to one of those fish spas where the fish eat all your dead skin.
So much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
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︎ Oct 18 2020
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.
Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
What do you call tiny dead crustaceans on the highway?
Roadkrill.
(My eight-year-old came up with this one all on his own.)
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︎ Jul 06 2020
What's the difference between being killed and being dead?
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︎ Oct 26 2020
What's the dead bee called?
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︎ Sep 04 2020
What do you call the few pimps who are characters in The Walking Dead?
The Four Whoreβs Men of the Apocalypse
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Nice and dead behind the eyes for my own pun
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︎ Sep 14 2019
Sorry for the dead meme
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︎ Jun 05 2020
Tony the Tiger is dead... Murdered!
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Did you hear about the man selling dead birds for $4000
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︎ Jun 21 2020
What would happen if you texted the dead?
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Did you hear about the midget who could talk to the dead that was running from the police?
He was a small medium at large.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
Why do the dead never come back?
βCause theyβre boomers, not boomerangs!
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I ask someone, what's the most brain dead subreddit
He replied with r/Zombies
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︎ Aug 01 2020
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says:
"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.
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︎ Jul 15 2020
I took dead batteries from the store
They were free of charge.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
I accidentally played 'Dad' instead of 'Dead', when the bear attacked.
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
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︎ Jan 13 2021
How many people are dead in the cemetery?
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︎ Sep 20 2020
A Girl takes a Pregnancy Test, then looks her Boyfriend dead in the eyes and says:
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︎ Jul 24 2020
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