I didn't want to observe the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter again, but did so to stop my girlfriend's constant nagging...

I re-Lent-ed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/svk7sarthak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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I went to the doctor about my constant, terrible, but silent farts...

The doctor said that he should check my hearing first

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HookDragger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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My coworker complained about the near constant overcast the last few days...

I told him to get used to the new stratus quo.

No reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2016
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My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.

Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdabby32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...

He really keeps me on my toes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got

He sure axolotl questions!

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alkaline_Acid
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2017
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Can any body help me?

Can anyone help? There’s a bloke in this subreddit who calls himself Buster and he’s driving me mad with constant private messages. Day after day he sends me youtube videos of 70’s glam rockers The Sweet. Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shady7977
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine is constantly borrowing money. I said to him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please...you really should give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who is constantly bouncing off the walls

I think his name is Rick O'shea

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:

It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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A son is telling his dad a story that he had learned in history class. The father’s other child constantly interrupted his sibling’s story. The dad had enough and told his interrupting child,

β€œStop interrupting! It’s not your story, it’s β€˜history.’”

Edit: not sure how to express the pun of the word β€˜history’ so to clarify, it’s a play on β€˜his story.’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakebake800
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know about the herbalist who constantly has difficult problems to solve?

I think she was called Dill Emma

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foxiv
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What bird is constantly surprised by the amount of insects.

Cormorant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/summinspicy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Where is the baby?

In a small county in Southeast Asia there is a small child.

The child loves to eat his delicious baby food and does so constantly.

In what country does the child live?

Viet-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Junot_Nevone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.

Teacher: β€œIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”

Me: β€œYou might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby-Bobson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The dog has been having an issue with constantly looking like it's shivering lately.

I'm worried it might be Barkinson's.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadedBread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do birds always need to go to the doctor?

Because they constantly have the flew

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qwopcircles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A daughter asked her father, "Why are they called shoes?"

The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkangel_Ash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Working in a restaurant, this constantly gets me chuckling. Definitely makes the work-day go faster, and one of my favorites.

"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" Whose is it?!

"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" We know that already!

"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" So whose is it?!

"Got an order! Nachos!" Of course not! It's the customer's!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to subscribe to r/tennis

But I couldn't handle the constant back and forth

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdocKrow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The Monk

There was this monk who constantly picked at his robes. The robes were covered with holes. You could say he had a bad habit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bfred55
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I know it’s not quite the new year yet

but I already cannot wait for 2021 to constantly make β€œhindsight is 2020” comments until I get punched in the mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DexterRhiley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.

My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!

My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."

I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"

Groans and laughs ensued.

Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Shout-out to all the dads!

I came to realize that dad jokes are often bad because they are actual original content. Dad's sacrifice their dignity by constantly trying to make jokes and once in a while a good one is made and used by the family members who take all the credit!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marath007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
People in the 17th century were so baroque...

there was constant luting in the streets

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks I'm colorblind

Cus I'm constantly ignoring the red flags

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hakonbskard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked the wife in 2 languages

So I'm British and my wife is Korean. She is ALWAYS asking for tissue to wipe her nose as it's constantly running.

So joke 1: Baby, are you entering your nose in a marathon? Wife puzzled look Because it's always running.

This led to a problem, she didn't understand it straight away. I was incensed, I explained it and got a few laughs from the family but it wasn't enough, I needed the groan.

The next meal I tried again. In Korean, snot is called Nose water (direct translation). So with this in mind I said this 'Baby, we should send your nose to africa, it's full of water'. This led to the groan I so wanted....and an explaination as to why it was stupid....

Mission sucessful

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimusYale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaezRunner097
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I once met a professional juggler.

I asked him how he liked his job. He said, "Well on the one hand I'm constantly tossing and catching balls, but on the other hand, I'm also constantly tossing and catching balls."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuLongDong
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to work with this kid named "Billy"

Billy was terrible at his job and constantly messed up. I told him that the next time he messed up, I would have everyone stand side by side and they would all punch him as he walked by.

I obviously meant it as a joke, but he took it seriously.

I'd tell you about how he got better at his job after that, but long story short, he missed the punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hollowtheories
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Peter Dinklage fired his agent today for incompetence.

The guy was constantly selling him short.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
When the councilor asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage, she said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns...

I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report

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